My name is Riordan Legacy. I'm just starting out on my own and have moved to a small town called Little Hope... and boy, is it small! There are barely a few houses here and only one place of business. Then there's that huge microwave tower... strange....

In fact, here's a nice aerial shot I found of Little Hope... pretty desolate, isn't it? All dirt and rocks and not much else. From what I understand, it used to be a farming community, but was overworked and now the soil in the area isn't fertile anymore. Plus, they say when that microwave tower was put in, the feel of the place changed and people left because they were uncomfortable. Well, it's the best I could do. I'm sure I'll feel at home here in no time. Maybe...

Here I am the morning I moved in. Right now, since I don't have a job, all I could afford was a little one room unfinished shack with no roof! You can see by the expression on my face that I'm not too thrilled about my new home. But it will have to do until I can afford something better.

My first meal in my new home. Yep! That floor is genuine dirt! *haha* All I have is a bed, a chair, a stove with smoke detector (good thing cuz I'm a lousy cook and I'm sure to burn something sooner or later), a fridge, sink, toilet and shower. There aren't even any windows on this shack! And it's on this super huge plot of land. What's the point in that? The only things here are rocks and sand!

This is my first friend in this new town - Brandi LeTourneau. She and some others came over to welcome me to the neighborhood, and she and I got on the best. I think she's pretty and I've already found myself thinking about her alot... when I'm not thinking about work, anyway.

I got a job! At first I was working in the mailroom at a big business in Sim City, but I got promoted to executive assistant on my first day! They must be really hard up for good employees... that commute all the way into the city every day really sucks, though.

Didn't I say I was a lousy cook? Thank heavens for that smoke detector!

Ohmigosh! I think it might be love.... the more I see her, the more I like her! I know that she really wants to move out of her folk's place where she's still living even though she's a grown woman... there's just not much in the way of opportunity in this town, and she's kinda stuck. So, maybe she's just falling for me because I'm a ticket to something different. I don't know. I don't care! I just like her and it doesn't matter why she likes me.

I asked Brandi to move in with me and she accepted! She works as a patrol officer, and had a nice little savings set aside... she had been hoping to move to Sim City eventually, but decided to stay here with me instead.... so we used her money to build a bare-bones new house. Still pretty spartan, but between my job and hers, we should have enough to live on and we'll be able to make improvements as we go along. Maybe even buy a roof!

Yeah, that's a wood stove! In this day and age, can ya believe it?! But, gotta heat this glorified shack somehow!

Well.... so far it's not the glamorous life I was hoping for when I moved out on my own... but it's not so bad, and I'm confident it will get better. Ever the optimist! That's me, I tell ya what! Brandi says that sometimes I'm a little too cheerful. ^_^ I know she's just kidding with me, though.

A big shock this morning - Brandi told me that she was pregnant! Oh my gosh! At first I was so happy, I couldn't believe it. I've never even imagined being a father before and now I was about to be one! Incredible! And this woman is incredible as well. Just think, she's going to be creating life!

Of course, after the initial excitment, reality kinda set in. We discussed finances over breakfast and we both know it's not going to be easy to pay for the extra things a baby is going to need like diapers and a crib and the additional food costs. We'll have to put off our planned improvements on the house. But... well, that's okay! A baby is a lot more important than decorating the kitchen. That's what I think anyway.

There's my beautiful pregnant girl! This was her second trimester, and though she told me she felt fat, bloated and uncomfortable all the time, I thought she looked wonderful. Again, she accused me of being too cheerful.

Okay... it might not have been the most romantic moment in the history of romantic moments (I'd just gotten up, was still wearing my pj's, and I'm sure I probably smelled a little funky too since I hadn't yet showered), but I proposed to Brandi and she accepted! I suggested that we get married right away, but she wants to wait until after the baby is born and she has her figure back. Silly girl. Doesn't she realize that I think she's beautiful no matter how pregnant she is?

Ouch... paying the bills does hurt more now with the baby on the way. Sometimes I think we should have held off on building the house because it really ate up Brandi's savings and the upkeep is pretty steep too... but on the other hand, there's no way we could have raised a child in that old shack. So, I guess it's for the best.

Here he is, here he is! Our first son - Trisanu! Yes, I know the name is kind of odd, but it's from my mother's side of the family, which originally came from India. I can't even begin to describe how thrilled I was when Trisanu was born - I'm glad I took the day off from work to stay with Brandi and be there for the event! I just wish she looked a little happier in this picture. Well... I'm sure she was just very tired after giving birth.

I was so excited I had to tell everyone, even our mailman Sheldon!

I wish that I was financially set enough to give Trisanu everything a child could want, but at the moment I'm just not. I'll just have to make sure that he's always aware of how much I love and treasure him. Look at him, isn't he great?

Okay, maybe it was an unneccessary extravagance, but I bought Brandi a new outfit. She deserves it for all that time she spent carrying and then giving birth to Trisanu, plus I kind of get the feeling that she hasn't been entirely happy since the baby came. I wanted to cheer her up. Doesn't she look beautiful? She scolded me, playfully of course, for spending the money and said that the outfit was too snazzy for her to wear around an unfinished dump like our house. I assured her that things would get better, but I know she was just teasing.

Look at that son of mine and how grown up he's getting! I can't believe time is going by so quickly. He's a handsome kid. I think he definitely gets his looks from his mother's side, though. *haha* Thank goodness that so far he doesn't seem to have inherited my nose!

Today is the day! Today I am surprising Brandi with a wedding! Of course, I can't afford much, but I did my best, because she deserves the best. I know she hasn't been feeling very positive lately, but hopefully this will cheer her up, because after all... getting married is what she wants, right?

Here we are, under the wedding arch! Brandi was really surprised, and she told me I shouldn't have gone to the expense... but she was happy! I know that she was, because her beautiful blue eyes were sparkling. :) She's so wonderful.

And now we are, Mr. and Mrs. Riordan Legacy! I think this was probably the happiest moment of my life so far. Sure, maybe things aren't as great as I'd hoped when I first moved out here, and maybe we don't have the best life, but I couldn't be more in love with this woman. And we have a fine son together. What more could a couple ask for?

We couldn't afford to have a lot of people come, but our good friends were there, and even a couple people we don't know as well but would like to socialize with more. Trisanu loved all the attention!

Here's Brandi using the brand new top of the line dishwasher I got us as a wedding present. I've been saving and saving for this, knowing it would make things easier for both of us. Of course, Brandi told me I shouldn't have spent the money, but it's our wedding! We're only ever going to have one of those, so we shouldn't worry so much about the expense.

Of course, financial problems don't go away, and they were the topic of this particular conversation at the dinner table. Brandi is getting worn out from working nights and trying to take care of Trisanu during the day when I'm at work. Even though I just got promoted, that money is going to the house and expenses, so we really can't afford to hire a nanny.

Figuring it out, we'd actually be able to save more if Brandi quit her job and stayed home as a full time mom. It was a hard decision to make, and I know Brandi wasn't entirely happy with it. But it helped when I told her that during the day she could work on decorating the house, and that seemed to cheer her up some.

It's amazing how time passes when I'm not paying attention. I've been working really hard trying to get ahead at my job and maybe get a promotion, that when I get home in the evenings I'm usually so tired it's all I can do to eat and spend a little time with Trisanu before I pass out. But just look at him! It seems like he grew up when I wasn't looking! He's a good kid. He helps out with the chores and keeps his things neat and usually does his homework without complaint.

He and I have a very close relationship. When I can, I try to play games with him and help him with his homework, even when I'm tired. He's more important to me than work, after all. Unfortunately, Brandi doesn't seem to have as good a relationship with Trisanu as I do... but Brandi does have problems making friends. She doesn't like to socialize very much and keeps to herself even when we have people over. She only has one friend of her own. Still... you'd think she'd be a little more open with her own son....

This was a bad night.... I was out working on my amatuer astronomy hobby when Brandi came running out of the house, very upset. She's pregnant again! Of course, I think it's wonderful. I've loved having Trisanu so much that I can only look forward to another baby with anticipation and excitement. Brandi, however, is extremely upset about it. She cried that we didn't have enough money for another child, and I agree that expenses will be tight, but we'll manage. I just got a big payoff from selling a stock, actually, so that will help.

This is our friend Ivy Copur. She's about the only person that Brandi really gets along with, and she invited Ivy over to talk to her about being pregnant again. I wasn't there, of course, but Ivy mentioned to me when I got home that Brandi is not at all looking forward to having another child and that I should really sit down and talk to her. I will, of course. I love Brandi and I want her to be happy. But, I'm sure everything will be fine.

We had a new family move in across the street and Brandi went over to welcome them to the neighborhood. She told me that she was a little surprised to find a very young single mother and a 'tweenaged boy... though I'm not sure why she would find that surprising. Maybe it just never occured to her that a woman could have a family on her own without a husband.

The mother is named Mina Shivendra and she is originally from India (so, I have something in common with her already!), and her son is half-Japanese and named Saionji. Brandi said he was very polite, kind and quiet, but that she thought he was a little creepy because he had unusual eyes... they were a very pale golden color. I hope she wasn't indelicate enough to say that in front of him or his mother! Brandi can be a little blunt sometimes.

But, actually I think that meeting Mina was very good for Brandi... she seemed far more cheerful than she has been when I came home that evening. She said that Mina is a strong independant woman, just starting out in a career in politics, and that she told Brandi all about living in India and her travels to Japan when she was a teenager, where she met Saionji's father. I could tell that Brandi was very impressed and I'm glad she's made a new friend at last. Perhaps now she won't feel so bad about the new baby.... I haven't really talked to her about that yet, even though I know I should....

This morning, I found out that Brandi isn't as happy about her new friendship as I thought she was. She's been spending a lot of time at Mina's place across the street, presumably becoming good friends with her. But the pregnancy is making it more tiring for Brandi to go out. So, I suggested that she invite Mina over while I was at work today. Brandi replied that Mina has such a nice house and so many beautiful things... and then she snidely added that she'd be mortified to have Mina see that she lives in such a dumpy shack. I really wasn't sure how to reply to that... except to patiently say that we do the best we can with the money I make and that if Mina is a true friend she won't care what sort of home Brandi lives in.

Brandi got angry then. "Well, I CARE!" she yelled at me. She didn't give me the time to try and talk to her or smooth things over at all, just shut herself away in the bedroom and stayed there until I had to leave for work. I feel terrible.... but I'm telling myself that she's just moody and hormornal because of being pregnant and when I get home everything will be fine again.

I'm not sure why Brandi got so upset with me, because as soon as she was finished decorating the livingroom, she invited Mina over... and as I'd figured, Mina didn't care what sort of house we lived in... though I noticed Brandi felt compelled to apologize constantly for this or that - such as the kitchen being only partially finished or the bathroom not being as nice as she'd like. Mina was very gracious all evening, I could tell that she really liked Brandi and cared about her as a friend, not for how nice her house was. I wish Brandi could understand that.

However, later in the evening, Mina took me aside and told me pretty much the same thing that Ivy had. Brandi wasn't happy, not about the new baby, not about her life or her marriage or anything. I was surprised by some of what Mina told me. Not happy in her marriage? Brandi had never told me that, or given me any clue... that I could see anyway. Mina explained Brandi felt trapped by a life that wasn't what she'd hoped for. She wanted to be out experiencing things, not stuck at home producing babies.

I gotta say... this is frickin' news to me. If Brandi wants something else, then why did she move in with me? Why did she marry me? Why doesn't she come out and tell ME, instead of making me hear it through a friend?

After Mina left, I tried to talk to Brandi, but she didn't want to discuss it. "Everything is fine," she said in a distant sort of way. "Mina has it in her head that it's worse than it really is."

"Then, everything isn't fine?" I asked, picking up from Brandi's tone of voice that she was lying to me.

"It will be fine, once I get this cursed baby out of of me," she replied nastily, as if angry that I would ask. What she said and the way she said it... it really hurt. I don't know what to do now.... is it just that she's pregnant and moody, or is there really something terribly wrong in our relationship, as Mina and Ivy tell me? I guess I'll have to wait until after the baby is born and things settle down again to really talk to Brandi and find out.

The tension now between me and Brandi is horrible. We hardly talk, and when we do she speaks shortly and tersely. The last full sentance I heard from her was a complaint that she feels like she's been pregnant forever. I've tried approaching her to start a conversation, but she always just ignores me or walks away. I feel like a stranger in my own home sometimes and the distance between us hurts. It hurts badly.

And Trisanu can feel it as well. He asked me about it over dinner that we ate alone together one night. What could I say? I tried to explain that his mother was just tired from being pregnant and that she'd spend more time with him once the baby was born.... but I know that's a lie. She never spent all that much time with Trisanu before she got pregnant again... it's doubtful that will change. It makes me angry that she could be so hurtful toward our little boy.

Here she is - my second child! This is Aithne.... that was a name I read in a book once that I really liked and has always stuck with me. It's Celtic in origin and means "little fire". I think she's simply beautiful, and just like when Trisanu was born... I can't believe how wonderful it feels to be a father. Even in spite of everything else that's going on.... a baby is perfection. A baby doesn't hate or lie or feel resentment. She's pure.

For a little while after Aithne was born, Brandi seemed to show some interest in her, and a little of her old life and spark again. I dared hope that now that the pregnancy was over, Brandi would feel better and not be so angry and distant all the time.

Unfortunately.... Brandi lost interest in Aithne pretty quickly, and soon I was the one taking care of her the most, except for during the day when I was at work. As far as Brandi and I... well, she still won't let me talk to her and try to work things out. We still pass through the days barely speaking to one another unless absolutely neccessary.

My little girl is growing up fast! I really can't believe how quickly life passes you by when you spend each day in silence. It seems like every day slips away without being noticed. I know the children can feel it. Trisanu is still trying hard, but he's not as happy and cheerful as he used to be, and Aithne is almost always quiet and mouse-like herself.

After awhile, I started to notice new problems with Brandi. She wasn't eating and spent much of her time sleeping during the day when she was suppose to be taking care of Aithne and working on the house. More than once I came home to find the baby unwashed and unchanged, while Brandi was tucked away cozily in the bed. In the evenings, when I was home to take care of the kids, Brandi would go out.... I can only assume she was going down to spend time at the store/rec center, since that's the only place in this town to go... but Ivy did mention to me something about seeing Brandi at a night club in Sim City one weekend.

One day when I came home, Brandi was passed out on the floor! And, like usual, Aithne wasn't tended to. I'm not sure what to do, but this can't go on for much longer. Aithne needs decent care, and Brandi can't drift through life like this anymore. I tried to talk to her when she woke up, tried to sit down with her and work through the problems, but she just told me to mind my own business and got angry and defensive when I accused her of not taking good care of Aithne.

This was the day of Trisanu's birthday, and it started out pretty good. I'd stayed home from work because I didn't feel very well (I think there's a touch of the flu going around), and Brandi was so passed out when she came home this morning that I... well, I hate to admit it... but I didn't trust her alone with the baby. Brandi holed herself up in the bedroom all day while I played with Aithne and spent time with her and working on my painting (I've sold several! Not for great money, but I'm doing okay with it). When Trisanu came home, he was excited to show me his A+ report card, and I was so proud of him! He's worked hard to be a good student and a good kid, even through all the troubles and tensions with his mother.

Naturally, we couldn't afford much for his birthday, but he was happy with the cake and balloons, and I gave him a little money I'd saved so that he could go pick out some clothes of his own. Before Trisanu blew out the candles on the cake, I knocked on the bedroom door and asked Brandi if she wanted to come watch. She yelled back no, and told me to go away. I'm glad Trisanu was all the way in the other room and didn't hear that.

And here's my boy, almost all grown up! I can't believe how the time has passed! He does look quite a bit like me, now that he's grown, but his mouth and his eyes are Brandi's definitely. We were having such a good time, it was such a happy evening in the house for a change, with the stereo on, and Trisanu and I sitting together in the kitchen eating cake and talking about what he wanted to do now that he was a teenager (Politics! Can you believe that?), and that's when it happened. We heard a loud thumping noise from the bedroom that sounded like someone falling. Naturally, I went running in to make sure everything was okay.....

.....only to find..... oh.... it's still so hard to talk about......

Brandi was on the verge of death and I could do nothing to save her.... nothing.... I don't think we'll ever know exactly why she died, but it's probable that it was due to a combination of things... depression, not eating, the fast life she's been living..... I feel so horrible. I tried to make things better for her, I really did..... and now she's gone and I feel like it's my fault. I didn't try hard enough, I wasn't a good enough husband, I couldn't give her the life or all the really nice things she wanted.....

I'm sorry Brandi. I'm sorry.....

And what a horrible thing to have happen on Trisanu's birthday! He and Aithne were both upset and devestated, but I think he was especially so. He'd always been so patient and loving with her, even when she ignored him or turned him away. I wonder, was he thinking the same sorts of things that I was, that if only he'd been a better son, she might still be alive? I hope he's not. I pray he isn't blaming himself.

It was a few days later when I found.... I suppose it could be considered a suicide note.... that Brandi left on the computer, time stamped early on the day of her death - Trisanu's birthday. It said simply:

"I never wanted either of your children, and to be honest, I never wanted you either. You were just a way for me to get out of my parent's house, a convenient man I thought was going places. I thought life with you would give me everything - plenty of money to do whatever I wanted, the glamorous life of a trophy wife on the arm of a high-powered wealthy businessman, an extravagent modern house in Sim City.... but you gave me none of that. You were happy to rot away in a half-finished dump, while your spawn multipled around you. I hate you now, and I hate those children. Every day that passes just makes me want to be further and further away from you, and my whole world has reduced itself down to just that bedroom I share with you. It's a cage. You and those children are my jailers. I want out."

Of course, I deleted that letter, not wanting to risk either of the children ever coming across it. Nor can I ever tell them about it. For quite awhile I was very upset over the whole thing, not understanding why Brandi had never told me how miserable she was. She moved in with me, she married me... why did she do that if she didn't want to? And she resented me so much at the end... but how could I have known or taken steps to change things if she never told me? If she had just said... if she had only talked to me.... I would have done anything to make her happy if it was in my power... I would have even let her leave and move to Sim City if that was what she really wanted.

Well, life has to go on. And it's difficult, but I must be there for my children. I must make sure they're happy and cared for to the best of my abilities. In the days following Brandi's death and finding her letter, I spent a great deal of time with Aithne, helping her grow and teaching her what I could, giving her all the love I have.

And Trisanu.... the trooper that he is... he took it upon himself to give Aithne attention and love if I wasn't there. He played with her and made her laugh and worked really hard to bring some light and stability back into the house. I hate to say it.... I really really hate to say it.... but now that Brandi is gone, the tension in the family has melted away and life almost seems... easier... to cope with. I know we're all sad, and there is still a heaviness here.... but, well... life -does- go on.

Look at how quickly my little girl is growing up! Under her big brother's attentive care and as much love and time as I can give her, Aithne has gone from being a quiet baby to a lovely shy young lady. We really have to prod her into socializing, but everyone seems to like her once she opens up a little. She really can be quite charming when she tries.

Slowly but surely, life is evening itself out. As time passes, the pain is no longer quite as acute and we are actually growing into a tight-knit family that talks together and interacts... it really is a relief. The only problem now is the ongoing concern about money. Times are hard even in Sim City these days and the promotion I'd been waiting on for a long time just hasn't happened yet. We have that entire basement sitting empty.... I'm thinking of taking in a boarder just to help make ends meet.

*haha* Trisanu apparently takes after me in more ways than one! No harm done... this time. I'll have to talk to him about being more careful with the stove.

Time is passing, passing, passing..... the kids surprised me with a little birthday party, and while I appreciated the trouble they went to and the fuss they made over me... it was hard to think of myself as growing older. I'm no longer the hopeful fresh-out-of-college kid I was when I came to this dried-up little town. I've had a disappointing life... lost the person I loved the most... and never really made much of myself. Sure, I'm a vice-president, but I'm starting to think that's as high as I'll ever get. Not for lack of trying, though! I've worked hard. I just wish that I had more put aside to leave the kids when I go. I wish this house was finished and filled with nice things for them. I wish... well, I wish that time wasn't proving Brandi right after all....

And look at me now - grey hair! It's seems unbelievable.

It finally happened! A few days after my birthday, I finally got that promotion I've been waiting and waiting for! And, of course, my sweet little Aithne was ready to welcome and congratulate me the moment I got home. I'm now president of an entire division in the company! At last, we'll have some decent money coming in and hopefully I'll be able to finish the house so that I can leave it to the kids in top shape, and maybe I'll even be able to set aside a little for when they get older.

I've been noticing something interesting about Trisanu. All of his friends are other boys. And while I suppose that isn't terribly unusual for a teenager, it seems odd to me that he isn't very friendly with any girls, really. He only has one female friend, a girl he knows from school named Ivy (popular name around here...)

We had a small get-together at our place this evening. Ivy was there and Trisanu seemed to be getting along with her fine until the boy from across the street - Mina' son, Saionji - showed up. Even though they've known each other since Trisanu was little, I didn't think they were really friends or anything, but Trisanu seemed unusually happy to see Saionji, and he pretty much abandoned Ivy in favor of spending time with the older boy.

I watched the three of them as the evening went on. Trisanu spent a lot of time talking and even dancing with Saionji.... I had a feeling that even if they hadn't been friends before, they were -very- good friends by the end of the evening! But when Ivy tried to cut in on the dancing, Trisanu was extremely uncomfortable with it, and Saionji didn't seem to like that much either.

Ivy turned on Saionji! From out of nowhere, she started calling him some awful names and insinuating.... well, insinuating the very thing I'm starting to think about Trisanu, except that Ivy was making it sound like a horrible bad thing.

Trisanu.... well, normally he's such a patient sweet person, but when Ivy attacked Saionji, Trisanu fired right back at her. She left not long after that, and then Trisanu and Saionji were free to spend time together for the rest of the evening. I think this whole incident pretty much confirms my suspicions, but I won't bring it up to Trisanu unless he wants to talk to me about it first. I certainly have nothing against differing orientations, as long as that's what makes Trisanu truly happy.

The entire house is finally finished! There are a few little details to take care of as we can afford to such as getting better light fixtures and improving on some of the existing things we have like the dishwasher and such, but those will come in time. For right now, at least all of the walls are painted or papered, all of the floors have covering, and there's finally a roof. I'm content in knowing I can finally leave my kids something decent.

We were even able to finish off the basement - and since I don't really have to worry about needing to take in a boarder anymore, we decided to make it into a playroom, adding fun things as we can afford them. The first addition - a gift I got from my company in thanks for my hard work and dedication and in celebration of becoming a CEO! Finally! Trisanu and Aithne both agreed that I well deserved it... I'm rather embarrassed by that, but it is awfully nice to have.

Even though I work pretty long hours, the kids get on alright by themselves, and Trisanu has told me that they both understand how hard I'm working to provide the best for them, and that they love me for it. He's gotten to be a pretty good cook (not burning things nearly as often!), and always makes dinner for Aithne. And I've noticed that more and more often I come home to find Saionji over keeping Trisanu company....

Look at them! They are obviously very into each other. They didn't even notice me walk through the room while they were dancing together. It bothers me a bit that Trisanu still hasn't told me... maybe instead of waiting, I should approach him about it. I don't want him to feel he has to keep things from me. We've seen before the damage that not communicating can do...

Come to find out, worry over telling me was keeping Trisanu up at night. I had planned to talk to him about it over breakfast in the morning, nervous about how the conversation might go, but determined to have it regardless. But, feeling extremely unsettled himself, Trisanu was the one who had breakfast waiting for me when I got up, and he was the one who started the conversation.

He explained that he'd been afraid to tell me, not because he feared I might not understand and would shun him - he said he knew I loved him too much for that - but because he was worried that I might think he'd turned to homosexuality because of Brandi! He admits that, thanks to his mother's behavior, he doesn't have much trust in the opposite sex, but he doesn't think that has anything to do with how much he likes Saionji. "It's not about one gender or another, Dad," he told me. "I like Saionji because of his personality and who he is, not because of what gender he is. If he was a girl, I'd still like him as much." I gotta admit, that's probably a pretty healthy way to look at it.

I was a little surprised that he'd been so worried I'd blame his mother for his interest in Saionji... the thought hadn't crossed my mind at all, actually. I guess my son is a much deeper thinker than I am.

Naturally, I assured him that I wasn't going to blame Brandi for this. And just for good measure I added that it didn't matter to me who he liked or loved, just as long as he was happy. That is the most important thing I want my children to understand. To never let themselves be trapped into something they don't want, and if they are ever unhappy - speak up! They deserve the right to enjoy their lives and live them as they want to. The only thing I asked is that Trisanu always try to take care of his sister. "Oh dad!" he said as he hugged me. "Of course I will! But you're going to be around for a long time yet, so it's still up to you to take care of both her and me."

Of course. I wouldn't want it any other way.

My poor little girl! She's so quiet that sometimes I think she gets overlooked by just about everyone... including me, I'm afraid I must admit. When I'm working so much, I feel guilty when I can't spend more time with her, but I really do my best to be the best father I can be. This evening when I got home, I found her crying to herself on the couch in the livingroom, so of course I put aside everything else to talk to her and find out what was wrong.

Apparently some kids at school have been calling her ugly, and she's trying to not let them get to her, but today they did. She's been hearing it for quite some time now, and is starting to believe it, thinking that she isn't pretty and that she'll never have any friends, because she's shy on top of not being attractive. I sat with her and held her and reassured her that she was lovely and it didn't matter what anyone else said. It was most important that she be confident and happy with herself.

Later in the evening, we went downstairs and I showed her how to use the Execuputter, and we had a very good time together. Hopefully she forgot all about what those awful children said to her.

Oy... all these years and I'm still not any better at cooking.... *haha*

Good heavens, the time is flying! Aithne is a teenager! And look at her! Maybe I'm just seeing her through a father's eyes, but I think she's so beautiful! I'm not sure I really approve of the outfit she's wearing, though..... hmph. This was the night of her birthday party, another one of those fateful family evenings that started out well but was destined for something unpleasant....

We had a lot of people over for the evening, and it was fun to socialize and see some old friends again, and Aithne got to meet some new people, which is very good for her since she's so shy. Heh... look at Trisanu and Saionji over there in the corner, being cute together.... and it looks like Aithne's noticing, or perhaps understanding, for the first time just what's going on between those two.

She was noticing a lot of things - and people - for the first time, I think. Uh oh.... suddenly I'm starting to worry about my little girl on her own in a world filled with wolves in teenaged boys' clothing....

Leave it to Brandi to ruin another birthday for one of the children.... During the party, Aithne went into the kitchen to grab a plate of food and we heard her shriek. By the time Trisanu and I got there, she was simply looking a little shaken and frightened, and she told us that it was nothing when we asked what had happened, but we could tell that something was up....

After everyone had gone home, Aithne approached Trisanu and asked him if he ever thought about their mother. He told her truthfully that yes he did, quite often, but the memories weren't always very happy. Aithne was so young when Brandi died, she barely remembers anything of her, but she said to Trisanu that she felt their mother was at the party tonight. "Why would you say that?" Trisanu asked.

"Because, I think I saw her.... don't think I'm crazy or anything, Tri... but I think I did!"

Of course, Trisanu didn't think his sister was crazy, but they did talk about it abit and he asked her to describe exactly what she saw. From the description, Trisanu could pretty much confirm that it was indeed Brandi. Not feeling comfortable keeping this from me, the pair of them were on their way back out into the livingroom to tell me what had happened... when Trisanu had his own close-encounter with his mother.

"Why now? Why tonight?" was what Aithne asked after they'd told me. She was upset, but also intrigued, I think. Aithne seems to have a very inquisitive and questioning mind. Trisanu, on the other hand, was far more troubled. I didn't really have an answer for her, aside from.... well, I suppose Brandi simply enjoys ruining birthdays....

Honestly, I wasn't sure what to think. Naturally I believed them, but not having seen her for myself, I suppose I really didn't understand. Well, I didn't remain in the dark for very long, because Brandi put in an appearance for me as well. Scared the dickens out of me, I tell ya what! And to me, she seemed angry and vindictive. Is she still blaming and resenting me and the children, even after so long?

I'm not sure what I should do about this..... Brandi kept the children awake and unsettled all night - they said they could feel her moving in and out of their rooms, and she even appeared to scare Trisanu again. They were so tired this morning that they couldn't go to school, so I told them it was alright to stay home and get some rest. Brandi.... why? Why do you want to disturb your children's lives like this? I'd hate to do it, but if this keeps up, I may have to move or get rid of Brandi's urn....

Well look at that! I guess I made something of myself, after all! I'm now a business tycoon, a CEO in charge of my own company in Sim City, and I'm now financially set enough that I can give the kids just about anything they want or need... within reason, of course. We haven't seen Brandi again since the night of Aithne's birthday, so things are looking good again! The noise of that helicoptor is a little hard to handle, though....

As time has passed, we've stayed fairly good friends with the Shivendras... of course Trisanu is dating Saionji, so I suppose that's only natural.... but both he and Aithne often go across the street after school to spend time with Saionji and his mother Mina.

Sometimes it crosses my mind to wonder... what would Brandi have to say about her son dating the boy with the "creepy" eyes? Or any boy for that matter? It's obvious now that Brandi never really understood happiness, and that it wasn't to be found in money or things - but in people that we care about and love. Trisanu has found that, and as he said - gender doesn't matter in the least. Would Brandi understand?

Trisanu and Saionji's relationship just continues to get stronger and stronger. Trisanu has confessed to me that he's a little frustrated at times by how carefully Saionji handles progression between them. They've not yet kissed or done anything more physically serious than hugging or holding hands, simply because Saionji is a very serious and traditional boy and doesn't like to rush relationships. I know that's a little tough for Trisanu, but at the same time, it's a good thing. Getting to know each other first before adding physical intimacy is what's making their relationship solid. They have agreed to going steady, though. Trisanu was on cloud nine when he came home that day, I tell ya what!

In the meantime, Mina is doing her best to be a strong positive role model for Aithne, offering her a good female influence and trying to draw her out of her shyness. I do appreciate that, because with as much as I try to give Aithne, I simply can't be a true mother to her, and she needs that. I know that Mina felt very rattled over Brandi's death and probably did alot of self-blaming the same as I did, wishing she could have done more, so maybe she's just trying to be there for Aithne out of a sense of obligation... but even if there's that, I can tell that Mina also genuinely likes Aithne and wants her to do well. And Mina is a good role model. She's a member of the State Assembly now and advancing fast in her career.

Aithne is very shy and reserved around Saionji, but true to his kind nature - and a genuine desire to get along well with all of Trisanu's family - Saionji does his best to be a friend and engage Aithne in conversation and interaction. This was just after Saionji was accepted into private school, and while we were over visiting, he excitedly told Aithne all about it. Being studious and acadmically minded herself, Aithne loved hearing about it and really made a connection with Saionji. And of course, now she wants to go to private school as well. It would be a wonderful opportunity for her. We'll see what we can do to make her wish happen!

Now... THIS was a surprise! One evening, Mina called me into her livingroom while the kids were playing on the swings in the backyard, and told me that she thought enough time had passed, I had been alone for too long, and she was growing more and more attracted to me.

"Truthfully," she said with a soft smile in her dark eyes, "I've thought you were handsome and kind from when we first met, but because you were my best friend's husband.... well.... all I could really do was try to be there for both of you. After she died, I thought it would be inappropriate to pursue you, so I tried to stay away... but I'm tried of seeing you alone, tried of watching you give everything to your children and not keep anything for yourself. You deserve to be happy too and not in mourning for Brandi for the rest of your life."

I'll admit, I was startled.... and rather uncomfortable as well. I'd always been under the impression that Mina only tolerated me as a necessary part of Brandi and the children's lives, and to find out otherwise.... well, it took me a while to come to terms with it, and several meetings with her to talk and feel more comfortable.... and get past the guilt that rose in my heart everytime I thought of betraying Brandi by entering into a new relationship - especially one with her best friend!

But one evening, it all seemed to burst. Mina was right! Why should I spend my life alone? Why shouldn't I seek out love and... yes, and happiness... for myself? I went right across the street and told Mina exactly how I felt.... no words needed!

I'm quite a bit older than Mina, but that doesn't matter to her, and we discovered there was plenty of life left in this old body of mine! ;) And obviously, she's not nearly as traditionally-minded as her son! I think we've both been alone for far too long....

I think poor Saionji was rather startled when he discovered I was there late that night and realized what his mother and I were probably doing. He was pretty quiet while we explained how we felt and that we were going to be seeing each other regularly from now on. I'm sure he'll be okay with it, though, once he gets past the weirdness of his mother dating his boyfriend's father. Wow! That -does- sound strange!

Brandi's ghost was back this evening. She frightened me and Aithne a couple times and even appeared to my friend from work - Sandy - who was over visiting. Again, Brandi seems angry, but is it because of the same old issues or is it something different? I wondered why she'd show up now.... maybe because we just finished remodeling the kitchen (I never liked that sick green color she did everything in) and the bedrooms? Maybe because Trisanu went out with Saionji tonight? Maybe because I'm seeing Mina? Who knows.... but of course, now that she's put in another appearance we'll have to see how much trouble she causes. If she keeps the kids awake again, I'm afraid I will have to do something with her urn this time....

Just look at how far we've come! We recently added another bathroom and a family room addition and the house is looking better than ever. It's hard to imagine that just as recently as my last birthday I was worrying about not having a decent house to leave the kids, and now we have a better home than I ever imagined. And yes... unfortunately we did have to move Brandi.... she simply causes too much disruption and the kids need their rest - especially Aithne, because she really wants to get into private school. So we had Brandi moved out to a little family plot at the back of the property.

It's becoming a habit for all of us to spend our Saturdays across the street with Mina and Saionji and we're really starting to feel like a cohesive family even in spite of Aithne's shyness and the discomfort Saionji feels about me dating his mother. Aithne's being drawn out of her shell more and more under the influence of a good positive mother figure...

....and Saionji and I have found common ground in art. He wants to be an artist as his primary means of making money and is well understanding of what a rough row that is to hoe. I've been painting ever since I first moved to this town and while I have sold some pieces... I haven't done anything yet that could be considered a masterpiece. There's no way I could make a living off of it.

But I'm not going to squash his dream... only tell him the truth about how hard it is and encourage him in doing his best. If that's really what he wants, then that's what he should do. This weekend I brought him some of my old art books left over from when I was in college before moving here. He simply lit up and figuratively devoured those books as fast as he could. His desire for knowledge and inspiration is so strong that one can feel it just being near him.

And it's kind of funny... Saionji and I are artists, while Mina is a politician and Trisanu is aspiring to be one. They spend a lot of time talking about her job and what she does... she just recently got elected to state congress, by the way. What a woman she is! And of course, Trisanu wants to hear every detail and learn as much about the system and process as he can. He's been checking the job listings regularly looking for a polling job or internship in the field, but so far nothing has come up.

Well! My relationship with Mina keeps on surprising me... and her too! After this last weekend visit, she started feeling sick - in a very familiar way!

Once she was sure, she had me over and sat down with me and Saionji to give us both the news at the same time. She's pregnant! Oh my gosh.... I can't believe it... you could have knocked me over with a feather! After all this time - another baby! And poor Saionji was shocked as well... actually I think Mina is too. This is so completely unexpected.

I've been over here a lot since Mina gave us the news, just to give her support and to get used to the idea myself. Sometimes I'm just not sure what to think. I'm not young anymore, by any means. I'm not going to be around for very much longer, I don't think. I can feel it in these old bones. And Mina... well, she'll be having her brithday very soon as well. Having a little one now.... there's just so much to consider.

By the time Mina started to show, I think Saionji was more comfortable with the idea. He's acted far more silly than I've ever seen him - usually he's a pretty serious kid - talking to Mina's stomach and laughing about the whole situation. He might have Trisanu and Aithne as boyfriend and surrogate sister, but I think in spite of that Saionji sometimes gets kind of lonely as an only child, so he's looking forward to a new sibling.

And he's more comfortable with Mina and I's relationship now as well, which is a weight off our minds. As far as my feelings on this... well, as I said, there's a lot to consider. But in spite of that, I'm once again feeling that old thrill I got when both Trisanu and Aithne were on the way. I'm going to be a father! And this beautiful incredible woman is creating life. As always, I think of it as a miracle and look forward to it with happiness. We'll deal with problems as they arise and not worry about them before they occur.

It just happened to be one of our normal Saturday night visits when Mina gave birth, so we were all there to lend support and love... though I noticed Saionji sort of hid behind Trisanu at first! *haha* Mina has been amazing throughout her pregnancy, simply beautiful and glowing, with not a single complaint. It's incredible how different she is than Brandi was. I feel disloyal and selfish for even thinking this, but really... I can't help loving Mina more than I loved Brandi, if only because Mina doesn't come with all the tension and emotional angst that Brandi did.

Here he is, my third child and second son - Kiritan Shivendra! Kiritan is Hindi for "wearing a crown". He's a handsome boy - of course all my kids are good-looking, I think! And once again I am simply thrilled to be a father and to welcome a new life into the world.

Now I'm spending a lot more time across the street, I tell ya what! Seems like I'm over there just about every evening when I get home from work, to spend time with Mina and Kiritan. I want to build a good relationship with him, right from the start, just as I did with Trisanu and Aithne. Of course, they both spend plenty of time at the Shivendra's as well... and as we were crossing the street to come home last night, Trisanu jokingly asked me "Well, when you get around to proposing to Ms. Shivendra, are we all going to move into her place, or are they all going to move into ours?"

Good heavens! I hadn't even thought about either proposing or moving until he brought it up!

It's so good to see that Saionji loves his new little brother. Though he and I are getting on better now, I was a little worried at first when Kiritan was born, because Saionji seemed even quieter than usual... and of course silences have become as loud as warning beacons to me.... but he's relaxed since and Trisanu says that Saionji was just feeling a little weird about it all at first, and he admitted he felt the same. "My boyfriend and I have the same little brother. It's just kinda strange, Dad."

Honestly, I understand, and I can't blame either of them for feeling that way. But Mina summed it up best, I think, when she said "What does it matter? The important thing is that we all love each other." She's absolutely right.

And so, when we went 'round to spend Christmas Eve across the street with the people we love.... I finally proposed to Mina! And of course, she said yes! The feeling of joy that I had when her eyes lit up and she threw a hug around me... well... it was without a doubt one of the best things I have ever felt. And that the kids were there to share the moment just made it that much more special.

Of course, there are serious sides to even the happiest events. Mina and I have been engaging in long discussions ever since my Christmas proposal about how we should handle arrangements. Her house or mine? Should I think about retiring? Should we set a date, and for when? There seem to be a lot of details that need to be addressed and no real answers coming. We both want this... but real life is getting in the way. I think that for right now, we've agreed to remain engaged at least until Kiritan is a little older, so that the disruption of moving and adding to the family doesn't disturb him too much.

There are other things that need my attention right now, as well. I've found out... from Mina actually, who often talks with Aithne... that my little girl is still bothered by her looks and her shyness. She's told Mina that she feels self-conscious that she's not as pretty as the other girls she goes to school with and that no one really likes her. Of course, Mina gave her the proper advice: that she is perfectly attractive, and if the kids at school are only concerned with how a person looks rather than what's inside, then they aren't fit to be friends with anyway.

I spoke to Aithne about it as well the first chance I got, not wanting to give her the chance to bottle her feelings up and let them fester. I've seen that she has that tendency, and of course that's understandable considering her mother, but I refuse to let the same thing happen to Aithne as what happened to Brandi. Aithne says she understands in her heart that Mina's advice is true, but it's harder to remember that when she's at school and sees all the pretty popular girls getting boyfriends and going on dates. I did my best to reassure her that I think she's beautiful.

"Oh Daddy! You have to say that, because I'm your daughter. But if you really looked at me, you would see that I'm not as beautiful as you think!" is what she replied, half smiling and half upset at the same time. Perhaps I am biased... perhaps I don't understand. But I know what type of good person she is, and I know her heart. She is beautiful, as far as I'm concerned, inside and out.

The day has finally come! Aithne was in a cleaning frenzy all morning, trying to get the house ready for a visit from Vince Walter, the headmaster of the Sim City private school. She's been wanting this for so long, ever since Saionji was accepted, and has worked very hard to keep her grades up so that she could be considered. Surprisingly enough, when Mr. Walter arrived, he informed us that Trisanu was being considered for admission as well as Aithne, since they prefered to accept all the siblings in a household if possible, and Trisanu's excellent grades made him eligible. That was an unexpected surprise.

I made dinner while Aithne showed Mr. Walter around and talked to him about her scholastic achievements and what she hoped to gain from attending the school. I felt so bad for her, because she was trying so hard, and Mr. Walter did not seem to be a man who was easily swayed or impressed by conversation.

But! Everything went well. By the time Mr. Walter left that evening, both Aithne and Trisanu had been accepted into the school. I was so proud of them both, but especially of Aithne, for how hard she's worked to get to this point. Hopefully, going to a school where the academics are emphasized over popularity will help her self-esteem. And for Trisanu... well, if he wants to go into politics, then attending this prestigous school will definitely look good on his record!

Like it always seems to, time is passing quickly. Kiritan is already a toddler! Mina says that he looks just like me, which I find curious, because I thought for sure he'd inherit her beautiful dark black hair, but it doesn't appear that he did. He does have her lovely brown eyes, however....

I try to spend as much time with him as I can, going over in the evenings to play with him and put him to bed... and then spend a little time with Mina. Hmm... I guess he does look quite a bit like me, doesn't he?

Lately, Saionji has been really working on his painting, and he's getting very good at it. Whereas I do mostly portraits, he excels at abstracts... and it's not hard to guess what his favorite color is! I think he's feeling a little out of sorts because his birthday is coming up soon. He and Trisanu are both worried about what sort of impact that will have on their relationship. But while Trisanu is more open with his worries and prefers to talk things out, Saionji tends to hide away when he's concerned about something... which is probably why he's been spending so much time in his room painting.

One weekend when we were over, the two of them did end up having a row about something which eventually sent Triasnu stomping home and Saionji fleeing into his room. I talked to Trisanu about it later when I got home, and he said that he'd told Saionji that he shouldn't be so distant and that he wanted to move their relationship forward before Saionji's birthday, thinking it was high time that they kissed and got more intimate. Saionji argued back that it was worthless since everything would change when he had his birthday. Poor kids. It's hard for them to see things from each other's point of view. They're both afraid of change and trying to deal with it in their own ways - Trisanu by pushing and Saionji by retreating.

For as difficult as it was for them to have a bad fight like that... I noticed it was only a few nights later that they met outside the house and patched things up. Trisanu, becoming more and more the diplomat, says that he's decided to take things at the pace Saionji is most comfortable with, and that it's not worth being angry when he'd rather be enjoying the time he and Saionji have together. That's one great kid I've got.

This is becoming far too common an occurence! *haha*

I just love to watch Aithne and Kiritan together. She's so good with him, so gentle and caring. I think she feels comfortable with him in a way she feels with no one else, because he doesn't judge her and his affection is unconditional. I wish Aithne would open up to others and go out more often, the way Trisanu does. Shouldn't a teenager be dating and running around? Well, at the very least, I'm glad she has such a good relationship with her younger brother.

And Saionji has a very good relationship with him too, and that's also nice to see. Just like Aithne, I think Saionji feels most at ease being openly caring with Kiritan, simply because a baby doesn't pressure and push.

Look at that! Mina had her birthday and she's finally catching up to me in age! *haha* I think the pair of us have decided it would be far simpler and less stressful for everyone if we just remain engaged for the time being. We're happy that way, and satisfied with the living arrangements. Moving the kids into one house might give Saionji and Trisanu the impression that they have to act as brothers, and it could very well frighten Aithne into never leaving her room, since Mina entertains politicians and other important people quite often. Once the kids grow up and leave home, it might be a different story, but for now.... we'll just stay in love as we are. And heavens! I do very much love this woman!

A little bit of bad news today.... Saionji came by to talk to me when he got home from school, because he wanted to tell me that ever since Mina had her birthday, she's been far more tired and seems to have much less stamina than she used to. He's very worried about her.

I tried to assure him that it was natural his mother would start to slow down now that she's getting older - it happens to all of us, I know from experience! But he told me that he was finding himself taking care of Kiritan more and more often because Mina isn't feeling well and needs to lie down. That does worry me a bit, because Mina is not the type of person who would easily neglect her duties as a mother. But, I offered as much reassurance to Saionji as I could. And really, I'm very touched that he opened up enough to confide his fears to me. It says a lot about how far our relationship has grown.

And while Saionji is becoming more comfortable with me, so too is Aithne with Mina. I suppose it's only natural that she would be drawn to a positive female role model as the surrogate mother figure in her life, but it is comforting that Mina is so willing to take on that role as well. Aithne seems to go to her for advice on everything from school to feeling better about herself. This evening, Mina showed her how to apply make-up nicely so she wouldn't look trashy, but could still be self-confident.

I suprised Triasnu with a painting I did - a portrait of Saionji! He was thrilled with it and hung it up on the wall in his bedroom, which naturally made me feel good. I've actually managed to sell a number of my paintings for some pretty decent prices, but of course I keep the portraits I do of family. They mean too much to let go of.

Well, Saionji had his birthday - and I know it was a day that he and Trisanu were both looking forward to and dreading, afraid that it would bring too much change to their relationship. While Trisanu tends to go with the flow pretty well, Saionji is far more uncomfortable with change, and moves slowly and cautiously into anything new, whereas Trisanu tends to barrel right in.

Trisanu told me afterward that he and Saionji shared their first official kiss the night of Saionji's birthday party.... it's too bad I missed getting a picture of that.... and he said it was wonderful and special, but it was difficult as well, because he knew that Saionji was about to become an adult and that he would have a long time to wait before he was an adult too. Saionji was entering a new world without him...

And here's Saionji, all grown up! I had him pose in front of his favorite of the paintings he's done and managed to coax a shy strained smile out of him. For someone in the middle of a birthday party, he didn't seem very happy, and of course I know why.

Mina, Aithne, the other guests, and I all gave Saionji and Trisanu a little time alone to talk about things... but I don't know if that helped at all. Trisanu, feeling nervous, chattered on about irrelevant subjects while Saionji stayed pretty quiet. It was sad.... we could almost feel the distance growing between them.

They tried, though. In the midst of the party conversations, they danced together. But we all noticed that it didn't last for very long.

This was a bit of a surprise.... Aithne revealed that she's interested in one of the boys she goes to school with, a young man by the name of Orlando Centowski. Saionji knows him too, and so he happened to be at the party. Probably thanks to the boosts in confidence she's gotten from Mina and encouragment from her girlfriends (Tosha and Marsha, I think their names are...), my shy little girl actually got up the nerve to talk to Orlando. And thank goodness for her sake - he seemed genuinely pleased and interested in her in return.

This did not escape Trisanu's notice.... and he was far less pleased.... Once we were home that evening he explained that he didn't care for Orlando very much. Trisanu heard that he was a rough kid and had a reputation for playing around with a lot of girls. Of course, I don't like hearing that... I don't want my little girl to be hurt. But, well... he seems like a nice enough boy. I have a feeling Trisanu's just being an overprotective big brother.

Saionji tells me that after the party, Mina was extremely worn out...

And when she woke from napping on the couch, she said that she felt very ill. Saionji decided it was time to talk to her about how worried he'd been lately, and Mina admitted that she hasn't been up to par at all since her birthday. She was very sorry that she was placing so much on Saionji's shoulders by not being well enough to take care of Kiritan and the house... it was about all she could do to just keep going to work every day and she was quickly losing her patience for pandering to other politicians.

Saionji, of course, suggested that perhaps it was time for her to retire. She was a congresswoman, her pension alone would be more than enough for them to live on, and then she would be able to get some much needed rest. Mina agreed that she would like nothing better, but she owed it to the people who had elected her to stay in office until the end of her term... then she would retire.

I know that helped to ease Saionji's mind a little, but he was naturally still quite worried. He made her promise to take it easy and to leave the house and taking care of Kiritan to him. He was an adult now, after all, and he was ready to shoulder important responsibilites......

It's sad to think that so very soon he would be asked to take on more than he ever thought....

It was a Saturday evening not too long after Saionji's birthday, and we were all over there as usual. While the kids talked and played, Mina and I sat together in the livingroom and, curiously enough, talked about times passed and people we'd lost along the way. Brandi was included in our discussion, but for one of the first times ever, Mina told me about Saionji's father and how he'd been lost in a strange twist of fate which pulled him away from her while she was pregnant. It was an odd evening filled with bittersweet memories, but also a feeling of special closeness that we'd never quite experienced before.

And then.... unexpectedly..... fate decided to step in again and pull her away from us..... it was so sudden and happened so quickly that none of us could react fast enough to prevent it....

And how..... how badly it hurt...... I take a little comfort in the fact that all of the people she loved were there with her when she passed, and that she died a fulfilled and happy woman..... but it still hurt horribly. So horribly...... even now I feel weak and hollowed out when I think about it.... I've lost another....

But, even as terrible and ripped apart inside as I felt.... I know it was far far more painful for Saionji. Mina is the only parent that he has ever known.... it was heartbreaking to have to watch him cry and know that there was no comfort we could offer him that would ease the hurting in the least......

The responsibility he'd been so confident about taking on while she lived..... had just increased a thousand-fold on his shoulders.... and I could see that in the way that he stood and the shine of pained tears in his eyes......

This was so unlike when Brandi died.... at that time, I'd continued to live for my children, knowing they needed a stable home and family, and in doing that for them - I was able to bury my own pain until it was eventually only an aching memory. Now.... I don't really have that option. Though I know the children will need me, they are all growing up and no longer require me to be as strong as I always used to be.... and plus.... I just feel so old and tired. Too tired to try and pretend anymore.

I've now outlived two women whom I loved..... and Mina... she was so much younger than I.... and I loved her with a affectionate passion which was far more penetrating and powerful than what I felt for Brandi.... really, all I could do at first was sit in shock and let the pain flow through me like cold waters filled with broken glass....

The days that followed just seemed long, dark and empty.... I can admit that more than once I wished fate would hurry up and come for me as well... I'm 60 now.... it feels like I've been alive forever, and losing Mina only made that feeling worse.

But, I've never been the type of person to give up. Perhaps I'm not as optimistic and cheerful as I was when I was young and blissfully ignorant of pain, but neither am I so jaded by it that I can just lay down and die. If for no other reason than all of my children do still need a parent, and I must do justice to Mina's love by being there for Saionji.

In the days following her death, I spent a great deal of time with him... not trying to force anything... but just being there when he needed me to be. In a sad way, Mina's passing was a last gift... the final push that bonded Saionji and I together as a father and son.

And, of course, there is Kiritan to think about. While not unaffected by the sadness around him, he's still young enough that he bounces back quickly from tragedy, and cannot easily understand the heaviness that surrounds his oldest brother. Just like Aithne, it is unlikely he will remember very much of his mother... which is truly sad, especially considering what a wonderful amazing woman she was.

I have been doing my best to spend my afternoons and evenings with Saionji and Kiritan, though there are times when I come home from work that I am just too tired. I know it is time to think about retiring myself, but I'm not quite ready to take that step yet. Saionji understands, and tells me not to push myself. I wish I could do more for them... both to be a better father to Kiritan and to ease Saionji's pain.

Saionji did call me over for Kiritan's birthday. I suggested that Triasnu and Aithne come too, but he said didn't want a lot of fuss or people around. I can respect that... it hasn't been very long since Mina's death and he's still trying to come to terms with that.

But, Kiritan grew up well! Oh, he looks so much like Trisanu did at that age, it's amazing! But, his eyes are Mina's, so deep and dark and thoughtful. Which is rather ironic, considering Kiritan himself doesn't immediately strike one as being introspective in the least. Like his mother and brother Trisanu, he's outgoing and cheerful. He can also be pretty noisy!

I do enjoy spending time with him, though.... it's so strange.... I know that he's my son, but because of my age and the fact that he doesn't live with me... he really feels more like a grandson. I love him dearly, he's truly precious to me, but Saionji is the one who feels most like a son to me now... along with my own children, of course.

They don't see Saionji very much, actually. Though I go over there a lot, he rarely comes over here anymore. And on the rare occasions when he does.... he's distant and reserved, in spite of Trisanu's efforts to engage him in play or interaction.

It upsets Trisanu.... even more than his intimate relationship with Saionji, he misses being friends, and it hurts him that Saionji has shut himself off to closeness. This evening when Trisanu got off the phone with Saionji - after asking if he could go over and receiving a negative reply - Trisanu grabbed his head and yelled out in frustration. "Why won't he let me in?!"

Trisanu does understand actually. He's told me that he knows Saionji is hurting and that suddenly having to face the abrupt change of essentially becoming a single parent probably has Saionji in shock. And he's willing to be patient with Saionji.... it's just so hard sometimes, since they are such polar opposites and react to things so differently.

While Saionji keeps his distance from everyone, Mina's death actually prompted Trisanu to get serious about his ambitions. He searched relentlessly until he was able to find an after school job as a pollster and then threw himself into the work with such fervent conviction that he was almost immediately offered an internship. And this on top of maintaining his A+ average in school. Really, he's amazing and I couldn't be more proud of him... but he tells me that he's not just doing it to realize his own dreams. He wants to honor Mina by working hard in their shared profession of choice.

Aithne's reaction to Mina's death was not nearly as determined... but far more predictable. Like Saionji, she withdrew and started spending more time by herself, instead of having her girlfriends over after school like she often did previously. I know it has to be hard for her... she's lost two mothers in her life... Unfortunately, she hasn't tried to go over and see Saionji or Kiritan, saying that she feels uncomfortable with them now. She's keeping her grades up, but not with the same enthusiasm that she used to.

Her interests now appear to focus primarily on cultivating a relationship with Orlando. She calls him and has him over whenever she can, and even got permission from me to go out with him one night. It worries me that she's putting aside her normally studious nature in favor of chasing after a boy... I thought she was smart enough to know that popularity and having a boyfriend isn't the absolute point of attending high school....

She calls him all the time.... I've noticed that he never calls here.... so often that I've had to tell her more than once to get off the phone and finish her homework.

Then, come to find out, one night she actually snuck out with Orlando without permission! I thought my little girl had better sense than that! Anything could have happened and we wouldn't have had any idea of where she was! This bad behavior is very worrying.... and to think! I used to fret that she wasn't socializing enough!

Actually, I didn't know about it until the next morning. It was Trisanu who caught her as she was trying to sneak back into the house, and goodness! The two of them had quite the row, I tell ya what! He still doesn't care for Orlando, and he was furious that she would be foolish enough to sneak off with him in the middle of the night. Being a teenage girl... especially one who has the potential to be just as stubborn as her mother was when she wants to.... Aithne wouldn't tolerate him speaking ill of her boyfriend.

I know that fights and the occasional unpleasantness are all part of being a family and raising teenagers.... but sometimes I just get so tired of it all. And once again I am lonely.... this time it's so much harder to take, probably because now I am so old. I think of Mina almost constantly and wish that she were still here....

But, there are the good times too. Just like when he was little, Trisanu is still eager and proud to show me his exceptional grades, and though Aithne has let her studies slide, she is maintaining and doing well enough. I love them both more than I could ever say. I still feel that being a parent is the best thing that ever happened to me.

And, of course, I don't forget my two boys across the street. We hadn't heard from Saionji in awhile, so I went over to talk to him. He seemed glad enough to see me and made dinner, but was even more conversationally distant than usual. So, this time I did force, pretty much demanding to know what was going on with him, telling him that I had every right to know, since I was Kiritan's father and therefore was entitled to hear about it if something was affecting my son.

Saionji agreed... reluctantly... that I did. And he told me everything.

Though Mina had left inheritance for both boys, it hadn't been a lot. And members of the Assembly in Sim City had claimed after her death that she was involved in scandals which fleeced the taxpayers of their money. Of course, this was completely unfounded.... there was never a woman of greater integrity than Mina Shivendra... and most of her constituants knew it, loved her, and were greatly saddened by her death. But her political opponents pressed the issue and took it to court... and eventually they won a settlement against a number of politicans they claimed were crooked... and that included Mina. Her pension, the boys' inheritance, and much of the family savings were seized.

Saionji explained to me that, while they were left enough to live on, funds were growing short. Each day the burden felt heavier and heavier, and instead of working on the abstracts that he loves so much, Saionji has taken to doing more commercial art to sell so that he can make ends meet.

He opened up enough to reveal to me how frustrated he was, trying to care for the house and Kiritan, being a parent far sooner than he ever thought he'd have to be, striving to make a good home for his little brother. His paintings were selling, but not well enough... and he had been forced to give up his dream of being a freelance artist so that he could take an entry level job in the science field.

And just to make matters even heavier, he had recently decided to move into Mina's old room so that Kiritan would have more space of his own.... and to have to go through her things just brought back all the pain of her death.

Saionji keeps all his burdens to himself, however, refusing to let them affect Kiritan. He says that after a long day of difficult work, he gets his satisfaction in seeing how playful and bright Kiritan is, and how much he takes after Mina.... he even plays with her old podium and pretends to be a politician. "Like Mama was!" he says sometimes. On other occasions, it's: "Like Tri is gonna be!"

Of course, I let Trisanu know what was going on with Saionji, to perhaps ease his own frustrations, and to get some ideas on what we should do. I could give Saionji money to help financially... if Saionji would accept it... he seemed rather resistant to the idea when I suggested it.... but I worried about him distancing himself as he was. It seemed like he was just drifting further and further away from us, and I hated to see that happening to someone we all cared about so much.

Trisanu surprised me, actually, by telling me that he already had it all figured out. "Don't worry about it, Dad. My birthday is coming up. As soon as I'm an adult, I'm gonna go over there and take care of both him and Kiritan. You just got that big payoff from your company. Even if you retire, you and Aithne are financially set, so you won't really need my income. And, I'll be making more than enough money, so Saionji can quit working and go back to painting."

Well.... I know that being with Saionji is what Trisanu has always wanted... and it would be good for Saionji to be able to paint what he wants again. He really does put his soul into every brush stroke. I pray things work out as smoothly as Trisanu is planning.

His birthday was only a little while later, and he threw a big shindig, of course. That's my son - can't do anything halfway! *haha* He made sure to invite Saionji, plus his friend Randy and some of Aithne's girlfriends. He didn't invite Orlando, but Aithne called him. It was probably a good thing Trisanu's attention was so completely on Saionji, because I think it would have ruined the evening if he'd been paying attention to what his sister was doing. I was, though....

The two of them snuck away from the party into the other room....

...and they had their first kiss. At least... I hope it was only their first!

Trisanu did notice that Orlando was there a little later and he gave Aithne a bit of a dirty look... but thankfully that was the only hitch to this birthday, which was otherwise quite festive, happy, and - thankfully - ghost free. And such a far cry from Trisanu's last birthday when it was just him, me, a cake, and tragedy waiting to happen.

And what was the first thing my son did as soon as he was an adult? He grabbed Saionji and gave him a kiss.... in front of everyone! I know they've both been waiting a very long time for that, so it was delightful to see. And I was proud of my good-looking boy... all grown up!

Later in the evening, the kids were playing music and dancing out on the deck, and were all in and out of the hottub. In spite of the earlier kiss, Saionji was still obviously uncomfortable and distant.... he'd been alone for a long time now, and the habit of staying closed off was a difficult one to break.

But there's no stopping my son once he has his heart set on something he wants, and he wanted Saionji very badly. No more waiting around. They were both adults now, there shouldn't be anything stopping them anymore. The next time I happened to look out, Trisanu had gotten Saionji into a cuddle... and how sweet do they look, gazing into each other's eyes? That close contact was very important and no doubt going a long way toward opening Saionji up again.

And by the next time I looked out... they had apparently bridged any lingering distance. *haha* It fills this old heart with warmth to see those two finally in each other's arms.

This sight isn't quite as welcome, but.... well.... as long as she keeps her mind on her studies and doesn't try sneaking out again.... I'll allow it.... Trisanu still isn't thrilled about it, though.

Well, it's been a few days since Trisanu's birthday, and I've been lately thinking about that big payoff I got from my company... it's more than enough to live on and likely there will be plenty left over to leave the kids when I'm gone. The house is finished and we're doing well. I've reached the top of my game and I'm 67. It's time to retire. So I made the call. Even though I know it will be strange to not work, it will also give me more time to work on my painting and most importantly - more time to spend with my children before I pass on.

And would you just look at this! Getting that internship when he was a teenager really paid off for Trisanu, because right after his birthday he got promoted to campaign manager for one of the State Assembly members out of Sim City and then.. before we knew it!... he'd run his own campaign here in Little Hope and was actually elected to the City Council! He's one of the youngest to ever hold a seat there! I can't tell you how proud I am of him, really.... he's simply amazing. When I held him in my arms as a baby, I never even imagined the heights he would achieve.

And what did he have to say about it? "Dad, this is just the beginning!" What an incredible kid!

That tie he's wearing is pretty awful, though... *haha*

In the evenings, he likes to go across the street and spend time with both Saionji and Kiritan, which I'm glad to see. Look at them! My three handsome boys! He and Saionji are still discussing living arrangements, since - as always - Saionji wants to move cautiously. After all those two have been through together, though, I don't think he has to worry about their relationship not working out. But Trisanu is eager to move in with him, I know, not only because of how much he loves him, but also because he wants Saionji to be able to quit his job and devote himself to his art. "That's where he's truly happy, Dad, and so that's what I want to give to him."

Aithne is doing well too. She's still seeing Orlando, but she's also keeping her grades up and she hasn't sneaked out again.... at least, I hope she hasn't! She often has Tosha and Marsha over in the evenings and gets along well with them both. It seems as if her bouts of self-doubt are in the past, because I'm sure she knows she can more than hold her own with either of those two girls in the looks department.

And, she's been easing into new friendships as well, like this one with a local girl named Meadow. Aithne is still shy and reserved, but at least she seems to be reaching out more. I'm very proud of how far she's come!

Ahhh... this was a wonderful evening! Trisanu called Saionji and invited him over, then met him outside where they could have a private moment together. He told me earlier that he got the impression that Saionji was ready to take the next step... to let Trisanu move in with him, and so Trisanu wanted to do it right.

He proposed to Saionji! And... though there was a moment of worry when Saionji simply looked stunned and didn't answer right away.... he naturally said yes. I've never seen two young men so happy as they were on that night! And they deserve it too! My sons.... I don't think I could be any more proud of them. I know they're going to have a great life together!

As for me, well.... this is probably going to be one of my last entries in this little book of memories. I can sense it.... I'm feeling very thin on the inside... if that makes any sense. I'm 68 now, so it's probably about time. I've lived a long full life. It wasn't always the best life, but I take no regrets with me, save for not having done more to make Brandi happy. But even that I've balanced in my own heart and learned from. And I hope that my children learned from it too. The key to happiness is openness and above all - forging strong bonds of love. It is following your heart and dreams. I pray that if I leave nothing else behind for them, I leave that lesson from my own life.

I'm ready. I don't know what exists beyond this life, whether it be another world or the realm of ghosts. But though I feel physically worn... mentally and emotionally I am looking forward to what comes next... with the same feeling of youthful anticipation that marked my arrival in Little Hope so long ago.

My name is Trisanu. Even at my best, I'm not a very good writer... and I definitely am not at my best now, so please forgive the mistakes I'm undoubtedly going to make. My father just passed away. His name was Riordan Legacy. He was sixty-eight.

Like is so often the case, we had a house full of people at the time. My younger sister Aithne had some of her friends over, and my fiance' Saionji was here as well. We were all either out in the hot tub or in the kitchen finishing up dinner while Dad was napping in his room. Without warning, he was whisked away from us.

Saionji and I were the ones who discovered what had happened. I was just in shock, unable to believe that the man who had been a steadfast presense for my entire life was gone.... gone just like that..... I still feel numb. Like some important part of me was taken along with him. It hit Saionji hard too... he was close to Dad and it wasn't that long ago that he lost his mother....

Even though my Dad was getting pretty old, this is a day that came far sooner than I ever thought it would, and I had not prepared myself. I was not ready.

My earliest memory is of my Dad. He has been there for me for my entire life, through everything both tragic and joyful. He provided for both me and my sister, took care of us and gave of himself to make sure we had everything that we needed. He had the incredible courage to build a successful life from next to nothing. He was -always- there! I can't imagine what life is going to be like without him. I don't want to imagine it!

After a few minutes, the shock gave way to grief. I have to thank whatever Power there might be that Saionji was there with me that evening. We both felt as if we'd been struck by a speeding truck... but we were there for each other, and I don't know that I could have gotten through the night without him.

But now.... now I'm faced with a difficult choice to make. Up until the night Dad died, I was planning to move in with Saionji, have a joining ceremony, and live happily ever after with him. It's probably what I've wanted most since the day I met him when I was just a little kid.

But my sister, Aithne.... she's still just a teenager and she can't get by on her own. She needs someone to take care of her so that she can stay in school and do well and make something of herself. I pull in some good money, we don't have to worry about finances... but that's not what I'm talking about anyway. She's not good with people and she's painfully shy. I can't leave her alone. Not now. Not until she's an adult. I have to stay here and take care of her.

Saionji and I.... we'll just have to wait a little bit longer to be together.....

***

To be continued...