X-POP3-Rcpt: parasaur@bigbyte Return-Path: herpetophile-errors@lists.best.com From: Nyuchezuu Shampoo Subject: SB #35 -- Human Being Unmutual Date: Fri, 20 Sep 1996 22:57:35 -0400 BestServHost: lists.best.com Sender: herpetophile-errors@lists.best.com Errors-To: herpetophile-errors@lists.best.com Reply-To: herpetophile@lists.best.com To: herpetophile@lists.best.com Dino groaned, clutching his bedsheets. The pain in his gut (provided so thoughtfully by X's needle-sharp teeth) still ached enough so that sleep was a difficult affair. Although the DataMediComp in the TURDIS' medical section did its best to heal him, Dino could still feel the scar tissue pulling inside him. He startled as an alarm clock announced in its own shrill way that he had made it through the night. A weak swat of his arm silenced the audio menace, and he rolled over. (Well, he almost rolled over. The injury left him with heightened sensations in the affected organs. The feeling of body parts reorganizing (no pun intended) was not one he wanted to endure very often.) He then startled again. What the hell was an alarm clock doing beside a hospital bed? Had someone returned him to his room during the night? He knew he hadn't done so himself -- although his body still felt fuzzy, his mind was sharp. He remembered Darwin calling a red alert on the TURDIS. It was a false alarm, but it was soon discovered that X was missing. Dino decided to let her go, and search for more of the segments of the Device. He'd gone back to the medical room for more healing, and that was all he could remember. He startled yet again, growing quite tired of doing so, as he opened his eyes. He was not in a hospital room. He was not in his own room. And by the light streaming in through the window, he wasn't even on the TURDIS. He was in a rather austere room. The walls were painted beige, or were white before years of dust had covered them; there was a light in the ceiling, presently off; the floor was carpeted in red; and there were two doors. Other than the single window and a switch that ostensibly controlled the light, that list completely described the room. Well, not completely. His bed was out of place -- it was a four-poster affair, the poles done in burnished mahogany, the drape above him royal purple silk, and the sheet was actually a goose-down duvet. "Damn," he muttered to himself. "Been humannapped from my own fershuliginner time machine, with nothing on me but a rassafrassin' gown that isn't quite long enough in back. Least the bed's comfy." Regardless, he stumbled out of bed, wincing as his insides rearranged, and padded toward one of the doors. Reluctantly, carefully, he opened it a crack and peered in. It was a closet. There were clothes inside, for which Dino was glad. He picked out a white shirt and black coat and pants and shoes. He noted with interest that they fit quite well. Whoever was holding him knew his proportions. Had X returned? Had she learned that the three segments of the Device hadn't been destroyed? Was she ransoming him in exchange for the parts right now? X struck Dino (no pun intended) as someone who would never have the patience to do such a thing. Besides, she would have left at least *someone* to guard him. Next he walked over to the window, opening the blinds, and peered out. He seemed to be in a comfortable forest-like setting, except that there was a finely-trimmed garden before him, and... The Return ...what was that? He could have sworn he'd seen "The Return" written in an Albertus font except that the e's looked like epsilons. He'd seen it somewhere before. But where? The words had since faded, so he let the thought go. Perhaps he was having a weird dream. He'd had his fill of them lately. He'd hoped that the dental impressions that X had left were just something he'd eaten, but had eventually resigned himself to the fact that X had tried to eat him. He tried pinching himself anyway. He felt the pain. Such a thing never worked for him, anyhow. His dreams had a way of keeping themselves real, even if the explanations he gave himself made no sense upon waking. Dino eventually grew bored of the view and turned away, reaching for the door. He startled (but not as deeply as the first few times) as the door whirred open by itself. Shrugging, he went through, hearing the door whine closed behind him. He found himself in the forest. Turning back, he noted that the room he had been in seemed to be the only one in the house. He hoped he didn't need to go to the washroom any time soon. Well, that wasn't much of a problem, he realized quickly. He could always use leaves. He made his way toward the grassy field he had seen in the window, and looked about, and soon espied a familiar sight. Orelious. Dino ran over to hir. "You've been captured too? Whoever it is must..." Dino asked. ~Ca-a-aptured?~ Orelious' goat-head said, butting in. *Yes. We'rrrre quite content herrrre.* Orelious' lion-side added. The snake-head simply bobbed, gazing at Dino, tongue flicking at him now and again. Dino could seem himself reflected in the snake's hypnotic eyes. "You... have you been brainwashed?" Dino asked. The problem was bigger than he had thought. It wasn't just he who was captured. Orelious shook hir heads, as could have been expected. *No. I underrrrstand the secrrrrets of brrrrainwashing well enough to avoid them, even if I werrrre. But I must ask you one thing.* "What's that?" ~Why-y-y did you destroy the se-e-egments?~ "They're not des... wait a second. Why would you ask such a thing?" The snake finally spoke, hissing. ~Thaaaat would be telllling.~ Orelious then walked away, leaving Dino in stunned silence. Dino felt deja vu all over again. Something about this was very familiar. And something else he'd noticed. Orelious had a badge on hir chest (stuck there by velcro, no doubt) which had a black feather on it, much like the fancy quills used for writing. There was also a golden circle behind it. Peering down at himself, he startled not very much as he noticed a similar badge. It had the quill, but there was a ray-traced golden D behind it. Finally, everything fell together. The button; the words he'd seen in the window; Orelious' peculiar closing question. He was the Prisoner. He remembered little about the show, and strained to remember. He had to find Number 2. Or Number 1. Whichever it was. The forest green made his wanderings difficult. He did manage to find and talk to his other crewmembers -- Jerhevon, Red Dragon, Stormfront, Ben and Livingston -- but they all seemed brainwashed, and all had the first letter of their name on a button. (He wasn't quite sure if all of them had been on the TURDIS at the time, and a couple seemed to be missing, but they were all as he remembered, except for that mindlessness, and that odd question: "Why did you destroy the segments?") Eventually, he came upon a house hidden behind a thick copse of oaks. On the door was a bold number 2. Carefully, worriedly, he walked up onto the porch and cracked open the door. He hoped it wasn't another closet. Inside was a palatial living room. There were stairs going up, and doors on all sides. Dino searched the house, but not for the bedroom. He wanted the owner. Eventually he came upon a dark room, the doorway. He could hear heavy breathing within. Either the person was asleep, or they were making an obscene phone call. Regardless, the breathing wasn't interrupted as he made his way past the doorjamb, and toward the shadow that was the bed. The figure was undoubtedly reptilian, the teeth sharp. Carefully looking, he saw an X button on the raptor's chest, which confirmed his suspicion. "Looking for something?" he heard a hissing voice say. He looked up into X's open eyes. Almondine, glowing like a cat's, they spooked Dino. But he knew they were her least dangerous part. Her audience captivated, she continued. "Darwin had called a red alert. I escaped the TURDIS and the Circuits of Time(tm) in the confusion. I had taken off in an escape pod toward the Patriarch to inform them of your transgression. I'd made it to my backup ship and put it on autopilot. I took a nap. I woke up here." X reached for Dino's head, grasping his neck, pulling it to her muzzle. "Explain," she hissed, hot breath curling Dino's short growth of beard. Dino swallowed while he still had an intact throat, and explained all that had gone on, finally pointing out that he hadn't the slightest clue what the hell was going on either. He didn't tell her that the segments were still intact. He wanted to keep her placated. He wanted to keep his head. X shoved Dino away. "Very well. In normal circumstances, I'd throw you up against the wall and set my gun on "Hot enough for ya?" Considering my gun is nowhere to be found, I can't do that. Perhaps we should team up for a bit, and find out if we can get out together. Don't worry. I won't bite. Again. You humans don't taste very good." Dino wasn't sure whether to be insulted or relieved. Although the raptor had chewed him up, she was sincere when she meant to be. Recent events had proven that she dedicated herself to whatever was before her. Even if she did get pissed off at the drop of a dust mote. "Okay," Dino finally said. He wanted out, too. X's teeth glinted in the darkness as she smiled, slipping soundlessly from the bed, stretching sensually. Padding over to a wall, she dug her claws in and pulled them down, tail lashing as she heard the screeching noise. Dino winced, shuddering. X grinned over at him. "Sorry, Dino, dear. Silly me, I forgot that humans don't like that sound. Now let's get looking for that EXIT sign." She swished her tail and was out of the room before his eyes could follow. He ran after her. It was all he could to to keep up with her. He was soon gasping for breath, sweating like a human, eyes burning with the stinging salt of his efforts. Eventually, he just stopped, heaving (for breath, fortunately.) Past the pulse of blood in his ears, he heard X scuffle back to him through the grass. Dino wiped his face on his jacket, and shrugged at her. "Weak human," X muttered, impatiently rocking from foot to foot as Dino caught his breath. But the point was made, and X walked slower, clawing now and again at nearby trees, uprooting a few others. Dino didn't know where he was going, a feeling he'd had much too often lately. X seemed more sure, even if she was wandering equally aimlessly. Dino soon felt like collapsing as they wandered, too tired to go on. X was soon helping him (Well, more or less dragging him by an arm, threatening to bite it off, bad taste or no, if he didn't get moving) and it was thus that they soon discovered a golden temple within the forest. It was rather reminiscent of a Incan ziggurat, but the dragons festooning the steps hinted at something different. Dino feared at first that the dragons were resting, but soon discovered that they were actually very well made statues, sapphires and emeralds staring mindlessly at him through half-lidded eyes as he and X mounted the stairs. At the top they found a structure with a simple, out-of-place, wooden door. With paranoia, and suspicion, he... watched X open the door. She kicked it down and jumped inside, turning about and hissing, fangs and foreclaws bared. The hissing cut short suddenly, and Dino noted with satisfaction that she was startled this time. Stepping over the splinters of the door, he crept inside, and followed X's gaze. There was a familiar Oriental dragon there, sky blue, swirling like smoke from a ribbed white bottle, purple markings on its head. His scalp started tingling as he carefully approached her. She too had a button on her amorphous body, but Dino couldn't quite see it. It was then that he too had a full-force startle as he realized who she was. "Selsen!" Dino cried. "Myeeeeeussss?" Selsen said, smiling. "I thought you were gone, never to bother us again!" Dino said, still somewhat disoriented from the startle. "Well, yeah, but Q said the same thing in 'Hide and Q', and he came back in a later show, didn't he?" "Q who?" the ex-parasaur said, noting finally that Q was the letter on her button. Selsen turned to him. "Yup, that was the name of the episode!" A confused expression passed over Dino's muzzle. "I meant... oh, never mind. Why are we here?" Selsen ignored his question, turning to X. "Say, we'd score high in a game of Scrabble. Lemme see, Q and X together. Equinox, maybe. Or quixotic. Or exquisite." "Or dead," X growled. "No, that word wouldn't work. 'sides, I'm not mortal. Ya can't kill me. I'll just keep coming back like Jason. Or Freddy. Or Steve Urkel." Selsen visibly shuddered. Dino and X stared at her silently, confused into silence, when Dino spoke up. "So, why are we here?" "I'd say "Because we're here," but I'd probably have to pay Rush for using a line of their 'Roll The Bones' song. So I won't. Seriously, you're here 'cause I want you here. I'm all-powerful, all-seeing, all-knowing, yadda yadda, mumbledy-bumble... where was I?" "You were about say why you wanted us here." "Oh yeah. I knew that. I know everything, y'see? Anyhoo, you were just having so much troubles lately, what with Cera growin' them 42DDs and the glow-in-the-dark eyes and the Medusa dreadlocks, and everything else, I thought you might want a little help." Dino opened his muzzle to speak, then was quite merrily startled as he noticed he had a muzzle. He... he was a dinosaur again! And his insides didn't feel all jiggly anymore. X looked over at him, glancing up and down almost appraisingly. Her gaze then flicked back to the blue dragon. "And what about me?" "Well, I suppose you should know that Dino didn't really..." "SHHHH!" Dino said. Selsen threw Dino a withering gaze, then changed it to a withering gazer. As Dino tussled with it, Selsen continued. "Dino didn't really destroy those segments, you see. They were just fakes in case Cera forced his hand. Er, claw. They're still safe on board the TURDIS. Or FARTIS. Or whatever it's called." X looked over at Dino again, and ran up to him. She effortlessly plucked the gazer from him, pulled out its eyestalks, and tossed the spherical remains out the shattered door in a perfectly executed jumpshot. She then turned her gaze to Dino, her eyes betraying that she had every intention of doing to him what she had just done to the gazer. "Well, anyway, kids, this looks like it's gonna get messy, so I'm gonna have to split you two up. And as another reward, Dino, when you wake up, you'll find ten more parts of the Device next to the three you have. Lucky thirteen." Selsen then grinned. "Oh, and in case you think I'm letting you off too easy, I'm leaving seven more on X's ship. No need to thank me. Mwah, love ya, buh bye!" Dino tried to interrupt, but found himself fading away. He didn't even have time to be startled. ---- Dino sat bolt upright in bed. Stormfront stared at him. "Dino, I don't know how the DataMediComp did it, but you're a parasaur again. And according to the scanners, you're completely healed. There isn't a single scar on you. Hope that means you won't have to change your religion." Dino said, "I'm still a parasaur? Oy gevalt. That wasn't a dream." Stormfront growled. "A dream? Don't talk to me about dreams."