Post# 4251 The latest few additions to the HML Story Bored have been phenomenal! Great work, guys. I'm busting a gut over this stuff. I just wanted to try something goofy here that I had been discussing with Dinosorceror in e-mail. So if this doesn't work, blame him. ;-) No, but seriously... the idea is "HML Story Bored: Supplemental." These would be little anecdotes and chapterettes in the Story Bored that take place in the same universe, perhaps picking up on an undeveloped plot element in the story, and do something funny with it that won't affect the rest of what's been written in the Real Story. Sort of sidebars and footnotes in herpetological history. Also, since these would be self- contained, there would be no queue, no specific order... if you can pick something up and run with it, try your luck (but I'm hoping that this won't dilute the effort spent toward the real Story Bored, so let's just see if this works). The format of this one is an obvious Hitchhiker's Guide rip-off. Sorry. :) -- Phil ========================================================================== TRANSLATION: UNITS: EARTH-SI LANGUAGE: ENGLISH-US-COLLOQUIAL NOTE: you have selected translation parameters for a planet that has been charted but not yet assimilated into Galactic Culture (queue pos. 22,417). Before attempting contact with inhabitants of this system, complete and sign Contact Protocol Form #A669-31-7CX (in triplicate) and deliver to the Xenoindoctrination Committee for review. Oh, and get your booster shots. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Encyclopedia Galactica Entry Number 118,207,319 (Revision 39a) Planetary Orientation: Which Way is Up? On [planets] that have not yet been incorporated in the [Galactic Union], the notion of which of a planet's [poles] is "up" is usually assigned rather arbitrarily by the native inhabitants of that planet, typically many centuries before they've discovered [interplanetary communication] and [faster-than-light travel]. In the early days of [interstellar travel], this created problems for the [Galactic Central Library], publisher of [maps] and navigation aids for all planets under the Union's jurisdiction. This also posed issues for interstellar traders trying to purchase or sell goods at specific [planetary coordinates], and also for [tourists] visiting other planets, who were often [mocked] as "not even knowing which way is up." As there is no "up" in [space], no obvious uniform system had been accepted. The precursor to our current [Galactic Standard] system for identifying the "top" poles of planets was set forth in [Galactic Year] 102,117 by [Popetile John Paul George Ringo II.I Beta]. He decreed that [Luminus], the Capitol Planet of the Galactic Union and the Homeland of the [Galactic Popery], shall appear "North" of every member planet's celestial equator; that is, the "North Pole" will be the one more closely pointing toward the Galactic Capitol... the plan being that, as drawn on a map, everybody would be looking up to him. As the poles were assigned [randomly] to begin with, this did create some problems initially for about half of the planets in the Union. But, with a few hundred years time (and a good bit of [government funding]), these issues were eventually worked out, for the most part. A small percentage of planets had a measurable problem with [precession], in which the poles of the planet themselves slowly gyrate with respect to their [orbital plane], causing the apparent position of the Galactic Capitol to alternate between hemispheres. As the cycle of precession on a planetary scale usually takes hundreds to thousands of years, this was usually no more a problem than the normal [relative motions] of the [stars] themselves. Backed by [Galactic Subsidies], the affected planets simply re-issue new maps and re-educate their entire population as it becomes necessary. Some planets, with suitable application of force provided by [generous grants] from the [Central Galactic Housing Administration], opted to re-engineer their systems to eliminate the problem of precession altogether. One particularly problematic world, [Beta Carotene], has a precession cycle of only two weeks. Using powerful [computer] systems made possible through [fat government research funds], they were able to engineer a new [language] that is completely palindromic and reads the same when rotated 180 degrees. Each week, the inhabitants of Beta Carotene simply turn their maps umop-ap!sdn. This system worked well for over sixteen thousand years, until the planet [Bletcheron] was incorporated into the [Galactic Culture]. This planet is apparently unique in that it possesses absolutely no axial spin, is completely lacking any sort of [magnetic field], and is perpetually shrouded in thick [clouds] that prevent the inhabitants from identifying any external fixed point of reference. Their maps, their culture, in fact the [laws of nature] here had no concept of "poles." Many solutions were proposed for fitting this new planet into the Standard system. The clouds could be burned off. A synthetic magnetic field could be generated. Or, with sufficient [money] from the Galactic government, a turning force could be applied to the planet. All of these plans were dismissed as [impractical], or more often as [fucking] with the delicate balance of nature. In the end, there was only one solution that all [parties] involved could deem acceptable: the entire Galactic Capitol and Popery were disassembled, placed in numerous shipping cartons, sent off to Bletcheron, and reassembled there as the new Galactic Capitol homeworld. All the pieces did fit back together, though as usual there were a few extra screws left over that nobody could explain. Once again, and at great expense to the Central Galactic Government, half the planets in the Union had to re-standardize on a new concept of "up." This was accepted with time however, and the system is still in use today. No additional pole-less planets have been discovered, and if any were, the [technology] now exists to [blow them to smithereens]. A uniform Galactic Standard for [East and West] was not agreed upon until the year 147,010. Quintillions of lives were lost in [bloody battles] that raged over this controversy. Resolving this [turmoil] very nearly [bankrupted] the Union. [RETURN] [SEARCH] [RESET] [HELP] [SELF-DESTRUCT] ========================================================================== ============= Mail to xdraco@panix.com for list assistance. Use subjects such as 'faq Herpetophile' and 'unjoin Herpetophile' for automatic list commands.