"Well, it was a good ride while it lasted." F. M. PINKERTON'S CHRONICLES OF THE LAVA DOME FOUR FIVE-PART TRILOGY COMPENDIUM LIMITED PRESENTS PART 6 7/8: "LOOK, IT'S AN APOCALYPSE STORE" Dino smirked half-heartedly as the oh-so-efficient movers from U-Maul, a group of coelophyses known for their quick and damage-incurring moving services, continued to move stuff out of the Lava Dome IV headquarters building under the unwatchful eye of Palanth. He and his former business associates were sitting on the curb outside the corporate complex in the traditional and stereotypical "we've been evicted" scene. Dino stood up and moped as a saurian walked by toting a large statue, as yet unveiled. "Aw, Christ! We didn't even get to do the grand opening on the Anthony J. Falbert Cornucopia of Corruption wing!" he whined. "And whose fault is this?" Jenn asked. There was a pause for a few moments. "I think it's the decline of family values," Foofers offered. "At least you can't blame me," Dino said, sitting back down in the line. "Like hell we can't!" Khith snapped. "You were supposed to be the one in charge of the finances. How the hell could you not see the goddamned company going down the toilet?" "Hey, I was more interested in helping my fellow man! Is that a crime?" Dino bawled. Palanth couldn't stifle his deep chuckle any longer. "As a businessman, you are quite the buffoon, Dinosorceror. In actuality, you are quite the buffoon in general, and deserve what befalls you." Dino snarled a lip up. "Oh, I know you're enjoying this." In open company, Palanth wasn't daring to enjoy or admit his feeling of satisfaction. After all, as idiotic and irresponsible as Dino was, he had managed to steal the Lens from Palanth, and slip and slide his way out of danger afterwards. And to the last, Dino had never bruised Palanth's pride by openly admitting his theft of the Lens...but he had certainly used it as leverage. And now... "That's the last of it, sir...the place is empty now," a hired hand shouted up to Palanth. Palanth, at long last, formed what passed for a draconic smile. "Then there is only one final asset of Lava Dome IV Enterprises that I must receive in order to complete the transaction." His muzzle lowered ever so slowly down to Dino's level. Dino winced his eyes shut. "Oh, geez...just rip out my heart, why don't'cha?" he sighed, and tossed the Lens to the ground. Palanth's muzzle rose so fast the wind whirled around Dino, and the space before him and over the Lens was filled with a golden digit and a loud impact tremor sound a few moments later. "One asset at a time," Palanth rumbled from on high. "Y'know...I just work here and all, but I was thinking...what happens now?" Helvetica "Foofers" Bold asked his comrades as Dino sat back down. Jenn sighed, and ran down over the details. "In exchange for bailing us out of debt, Golden Dragon Enterprises takes possession and liquidates all Lava Dome IV Enterprises assets, including intellectual assets and all of our products, and all we get to keep is the bed and breakfast, our car Speck...and the LD4 name." Dino rolled in the gutter. "I'm just glad the kids aren't here to see this." "The giant robotic imitation Godzilla," Khith sobbed. "The zen chocolate garden and lard jaccuzi," Helvetica sobbed. "The Hall O'Justice...Wee-D's..." Astor sobbed. "My pan-dimensional anime pretty-boy bondage suite," Jenn sobbed. After getting looks, she quickly corrected, "Oh, I mean...all my...euh...well, I will miss my boy-toy suite, I'm sorry!" A silver dragon walked up next to Palanth, eyeing the small line of vagabonds on the curb momentarily, and then at the vacant LD4 facilities. "So this the new property you've acquired?" "Ah, Dracon. Yes, these are the former owners of the assets of Lava Dome Four Enterprises," Palanth replied. "Their incompetence in financial matters has forced their claw to liquidation. A most unfortunate situation." The others were already muffling and restraining Dino, lifting him up off the curb and then stuffing him in Speck's trunk before squeezing inside the car themselves. "That's a shame. You know how much fun we had with CoeloCords(tm). What's to become of their product line?" Dracon asked. Palanth eyed the small blue Speck as it scampered away down the road. "Terminated." ONE YEAR LATER The heat in the mines was unbearable as the dense rock was liquified by mini-dragons throughout the cave. The reddish-orange glow was the only light they could see by as the former employees and owners of Lava Dome IV toiled in the crystal mines of ConHugeCo. Dino smacked Astor with his shovel. "Goddamn you! I just realized that if you hadn't left my friggin' wallet behind, we wouldn't be in this mess!" ONE YEAR EARLIER "Wait!" Astor said, craning his neck out the window and looking behind. "Turn around...Dino dropped something on the curb back there!" Khith hopped out of the car and picked up Dino's wallet, then hopped back in and he, Astor and Foofers proceeded to pick through its contents as Dino banged on the backseat and made rude noises. "A dollar, some lint, claw-cleaning token..." Khith picked through. Astor squinted as he pulled out a laminated card that looked fairly new. "What the hell is this? Dino's not a Dinosorceror, he's a Megasorceror?" As Speck pulled into the small parking lot of the LD4 Bed & Breakfast, Astor continued to read from the card. "This card entitles the bearer to all the privilidges of the rank of Megasorceror on the planet Earth in the Sol system as he has proven him- or herself the superior of all current Dinosorcerors in the system." Foofers opened up the trunk as they got out of the car. "Boy, we need some WeeBreeze in there...it stinks!" Dino said as he cracked his back standing upright. "Well, there won't be any more WeeBreeze, or any other LD4 product from now on," Khith sighed. Dino waved a clawhand. "Oh, sure there will. What do you think basements are for, moonshine stills? No, they're for sweat shops!" Astor shouldered Dino, handing him back his wallet, but he held onto the strange card. "Dino, what the hell does this card mean?" "Oh, didn't I tell you guys? I'm a Megasorceror now." "First, how the hell did that happen, and second, what the hell does that mean?" Jenn asked. "Don't you remember? I was issued a challenge by some other Dinosorceror in this area. There wasn't currently a Megasorceror in the area, and it was to be a duel to the death, or some overly-dramatic nonsense like that, blah blah blah. But nobody showed up," Dino said, shrugging. "So those creepy zombie dino guys in the robes showed up, smacked me with a stick, then gave it and that card to me and took off." Jenn and the others examined the 'stick' that Dino said they had given him, which he kept on a belt in a fold of his tunic, while Astor continued to read the card. "What does that thing do?" Foofs asked, but was more eager to get inside the bed and breakfast and partake in the latter part of the name's function. "Oh, like those creepy turds would tell me anything useful. I don't know!" Dino spat. "Maybe it's a token to use in a relay race or something." Jenn rolled and tossed the rod in her clawtips. "I don't see anything on here that does...anything." She handed it back to Dino, who started to walk up onto the porch of the bed and breakfast. "Oh, those goons said something about it was keyed to my aura or some new-age nonsense, and only I..." Just then, as Dino was holding it horizontal, two swords of light blasted out from either end of the rod, slicing through the pillars that supported the roof on the porch. ALMOST ONE YEAR LATER Well, that wouldn't be the last time Dino screwed up with his rod. Shortly after that incident, they tried to think of a good name for the weapon. Photo sword? Light baton? Energy saber? They were all too cumbersome, so Dino just referred to it as his "stick." And it turns out his stick wasn't the only thing that came with being a Megasorceror. He had freebies comin' out the yin-yang from every store in town, as well as a rather considerable intergalactic bank account. But did he use these funds to buy back all that had been repossessed? No. The funds were not nearly enough to get back all that had been lost; not even enough to refinance one of the former Lava Dome facilities. The crew was actually about to begin some much-needed renovation on the bed and breakfast when the forces of evil decided to rear their ugly heads again. As you may recall, Princess Dei and her half-brother Tyrannix were the reigning king and queen of evil in the small town of Faibanx, and word of the downfall of LD4 travelled swiftly. Their first thought was to acquire the much-desired Lens technology from Golden Dragon Enterprises, but their funds were also vastly inadequate to cover the former Dome's considerable debt. Tyrannix, in his thirst for the power of a Dinosorceror, instigated open warfare against GDE, and lost. Tyrannix and Dei resumed their more covert evil operations, badly beaten. Even the mighty GDE empire was weakened in the effort. And that's when the subsidiaries of the former ConHugeCo, later Absolute Evil Industries, came in. A mysterious investor from the Far East lands of the Giant's Realm purchased the fragmented remains of the once corporate giant, and formed a new organization: DDD or D-cubed, which was short for Draconic Development Dynamics Corporation. The only employee of AEI to keep a position of power was Tanya Clegg, the anthro robotic dragon, who was in charge of the day-to-day operations of DDD. The weakened duo of Dei and Tyrannix were invited to join the organization, and they gladly accepted. The mysterious Eastern investor styled himself the Imperial Grand Master Dragon of DDD's affairs, and within the first week of the formation of DDD, a corporate takeover of GDE began. Palanth was almost receptive to the new dragon on the block, as it were, but it quickly became clear that the Imperial Grand Master Dragon was not seeking corporate coexistence. It also quickly became clear to Palanth that the resources of DDD would eventually win out over his own, and so rather than be subjected to a long and drawn-out defeat, he chose to muster what pride he could and announce the dissolution of GDE. As for the LD4 bed and breakfast, it was no longer a concern of any of the forces of evil in Faibanx. The so-called Megasorceror had not even spoken out on public affairs in almost a year. The main fear to cross the minds of the citizens of Faibanx was that with LD4 out of the picture, the much sought-after Lens technology would fall into DDD's hands, but a day after Palanth's announcement, both he and the core Lens disappeared, rendering all Lens-based products useless. It was the following day, however, that Dino seemed to have an unusual spring in his step. OKAY, NOW IT'S A YEAR LATER "Okay, now it's a year later. It's been a year since we lost everything to GDE. Have you noticed that it's only today that Dino seems to have an unusual spring in his step?" Jenn asked Astor as they sat at the breakfast nook. Astor shrugged it off, and shoveled in more oatmeal. "Doesn't make sense to me. The trade routes to the Giant's Realm were cut off a year ago, so he hasn't been stomped since then. And he couldn't use the Lens to get any, of course...and now we hear that the Lens has vanished completely, and he's happy now?" Foofers walked in, munching some Tastykakes. "Hey, have you guys noticed that Dino..." "Yep," Jenn and Astor nodded. "We can't figure it out," Jenn sighed. Foofers looked a little puzzled, then sat down and shrugged. "What's there to figure out? I mean, there's only one way he can be thirty feet tall." Jenn and Astor paused for about ten seconds, then pulled aside the kitchen curtain to see Dino's ass filling their view. A few moments later, they were all standing in the back yard at the crouched over and greatly enlarged Dino. "Um, Dino darling?" Jenn asked sweetly. "What the hell are you doing to my nice lawn?" she chrred, her toeclaws starting to dig it up herself. Dino was looking nervous and secretive, crouching even lower, fiddling with something. "Shhhh! Find some blue tarps or something to cover me over until I--" His sentence was cut short as he was enveloped in a red glow and returned to normal size over the course of a few seconds. "Man, that stupid goober..." he began to mutter, still fiddling with something. "Dino? Dino!" Astor shouted to get his attention. It was when Dino stood upright again that they saw what he was holding. Either it looked a little different or it was because they hadn't seen it in a year, but there was no mistaking the fact that Dino held the fourth-dimensional quantum Lens. "I'm sure there's an absolutely fascinating, heroic, and legal story behind you getting that back," Helvetica asked, still munching Tastykake. "No, no and...no," Dino replied with a bright snicker. "Y'see, I've been keeping in touch with Dr. Ramses. Remember, the head research assistant at GDE? The big wolfy guy? Anyway, he told me yesterday that Palanth gave a directive for the Lens to be destroyed. And I said it was breaking my heart and yada yada yada, and I told him I wanted to be present when it was destroyed. Y'know, like a funeral for a loved one." Jenn rolled her eyes as Dino continued. "So anyway, I sneak into GDE with his help, and we're in his lab. He's about to blast it with some laser or something, and I say, 'Oh, shit...hi, Palanth!' and when he turns I say 'yoink!' and grab the Lens and run." The only one not covering his eyes or shaking his head was Jenn, who posed, "So, you're telling me you're a dead man, is that it, genius?" Dino made that face. "Pssh! Oh, 'course not. Do you think Ramses would go in and stammer that news to Palanth? Please...he'd be creamed corn. Especially runny creamed corn, y'know...like the cheapo brand. So as long as I don't go showing it off in pubic..." "LLLLLike you did just now," Helvetica added. Dino made some more faces, mostly directed at the Lens he held. "Oh, that damned Ramses has been futzing with the controls and settings and shit in the year since we've had it, and it's all goofed up now." "Yoink!" Jenn said as she nabbed it from him and proceeded to walk briskly back inside the house. Dino stood outside with drooped shoulders for a few moments as the others filed back inside. He sighed. "It's amazing I have any pecker left at all." MEANWHILE... "Grand Master, we have detected a Lens energy signature." Gems and coins shifted and formed mini-landslides beneath the bulk of the behemoth who controlled the monopoly of the Draconic Development Dynamics Corporation. Tanya cleared her synthetic throat, and repeated, "Grand Master, we..." "There is no need to repeat yourself, my servant. I have heard you," the Grand Master's voice echoed throughout the great vaulted room. "Then your orders are?" Princess Dei added as Tyrannix looked on. "The same as they have always been," the Grand Master Dragon replied. "The three of you are to be my eyes and ears, my claws and talons. The invisible empire of the Draconic Development Dynamics Corporation will soon be all-powerful." The three looked at each other a bit. "But, Grand Master, what--" Tanya began, but was snatched up in the crushing grip of one of the Grand Master's foreclaws, the speed of which took them all by surprise, considering the Grand Master's considerable size and bulk. "I said you were my eyes and claws, Tanya Clegg. I did not say you were my intellect!" the great Dragon roared. "Have I not said in the past that this Lens technology is the only force powerful enough to thwart my plans?" Tanya struggled in the gigantic grip of the Grand Master, her normally silent internal servos whining quite audibly under the strain. "Yes, but...!" "But nothing!" the Grand Master Dragon roared again, squeezing even tighter. "Until I change my commands, I expect you to follow them!" He tossed Tanya back to the bottom of his hoarde, where she tumbled a few times to a stop. The Grand Master, not wanting to appear visibly flustered, resettled on his hoarde, displacing more gems and coins. "Now, to verify that you are still the claw of the invisible empire, what are you going to do?" he rumbled. Tanya brushed herself off and stood obediently as the Grand Master Dragon lowered a hindclaw close to her. "I will acquire the Lens at all costs, my Master," she said, kissing the talon before her. The Grand Master returned his foot to the hoarde. "That is good, my servant. Lead your brother and sister in this battle, Tanya Clegg, and inform me of your victory." Tanya and the others bowed. "By your command, Imperial Grand Master." MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH "Still, Dino...Dr. Ramses is going to be seriously pissed at you," Foofers warned the group in the living room. "And at us, because we're in league with you." "You're the only one whose a few leagues around, tubbs. And besides, he didn't want to see the Lens destroyed any more than I did," Dino replied as he flopped down on the couch. "What do you think happened to Palanth?" Astor wondered aloud, and was seemingly answered by heavy clawsteps rumbling the ground outside. Dino closed his eyes and winced a bit. "Oy. I hope that's not him. I was kinda hoping he took his business back to the Giant's Realm." He stood and went to the front door, still trying to converse in the living room. "I mean, the last thing I need is--" The Megasorceror didn't see a golden clawfoot filling his vision, but he did see a silver one. Opening the front door and looking skyward, he saw that it belonged not to Palanth but to his most recent draconic buddy, Dracon. "Oh...um, hi up there, Dracon," Dino said, not sure what to say, as the two of them were never properly introduced. The others slowly filtered outside as Dracon spoke. "Dino, I've come to you to ask you for your help," Dracon rumbled down from above. "I'm very concerned about Palanth. I haven't seen him since yesterday, and I can't seem to locate him." Dino blinked a few times, and stared at the silvery toes before him while he formulated a reply. "Um...and...um...this is my responsibility?" "Well..." Dracon began. "I mean, who sucked up Lava Dome Four when we ran out of money?" Dino stated. "Is there some particular reason I should be concerned?" Astor tossed a rock at Dino's back. "Oh, don't be such a prick," Astor said, walking up to Dino and whispering in his ear. "Besides, you owe him one for stealing the Lens from him way back when." Dracon began to regard Dino with disappointment. "I expected a bit more from the resident Megasorceror of this sector. You are supposed to be the person we can come to when we need help." Dino shot a few glances up to Dracon, then scratched his earspot. "Friggin' duties and responsibilities," he muttered and sighed. "All right, so I guess I'm in the hero business again, since there doesn't seem to be any other do-gooders in this solar system." Jenn tossed a larger rock at Dino's crest, chrring, "Yeah, and do-gooders are supposed to be a little more sympathetic of those in need!" The Megasorceror shook his head a few times. "Oh, oh right! My dear, dear Dracon! Now, in order to find your beloved Palanth, I'll need an accurate description of him. Are his feet about as big as yours? Can you lift yours up so I can get underneath it and see?"