Lava Dome IV: "Bonfire of the Sanities" By Dinosorceror 10-14-97 "It's time to get evil. Er, even," Dino snickered to himself. A staggering inch tall, he was scampering through the halls of Lava Dome Four Enterprises, toting a very large sack. As he made his way down the hall, he was dropping snack crackers. "Everyone knows raptors just can't resist Chicken in a Biskit," he giggled with glee. "They might as well call it raptor nip." After a well-directing line of Chicken in a Biskit had been placed, Dino checked the tripwire with a delicate >twang<. "Heh. Make fun of my intellectual superiority. Hah!" He scampered under the tripwire and into the darkened room. A few minutes later, Jenn and Dr. Ramses were walking down the same hallway. Outside the building, Helvetica Bold and Palanth were monitoring their conversation through a wrist-communicator that Dr. Ramses wore. "I think our preliminary consumer marketing efforts should involve the `Dragoninity' line of beauty aids and personal hygiene products," Dr. Ramses noted. "Palanth wishes to judge the success of our joint venture based on...excuse...excuse me?" Dr. Ramses blinked a few times as Jenn's eyes widened. She quickly bent down to the ground, snatching up the first Chicken in a Biskit cracker eagerly. Under the smirking gaze of Ramses, Jenn continued to peck at the floor like a chicken. Her speed increased down the corridor, until she turned into the darkened room. Her large sickle-claw had no trouble finding the tripwire, or severing it. She stood for a moment, sniffing the air for Biskit, until a water balloon smucked across her muzzle. Dino, standing just inside the darkness of the arch, giggled hysterically as water droplets cascaded to the carpet around him. "Oh...oh, it's times like these that are Precious Moments," he squeaked. Jenn stood up, looking back over her scaly shoulder at Dr. Ramses. "And you know what's the worst about all this? I can't do a damn thing. What am I supposed to do, step on him?" "I prefer not to discuss or meddle in your...bizarre personal relationship with Mister Sorceror," Ramses said, straightening up and dusting off his lab coat. From Ramses' wristcom, Palanth commented. "If the festivities have ended, we have a very real issue that needs to be discussed." "What's that?" Jenn asked, shaking off the water and finishing Dino's stash of Chicken in a Biskit. "My sources have exposed a disturbing trend of an Eastern division of Absolute Evil Industries," Palanth stated through the communicator, but could be clearly heard through the ceiling. Minutes later, Dino, Jenn, Ramses, and Helvetica were all standing outside Lava Dome Four's new headquarters in downtown Fairbanks under Palanth's spread wings. The building was actually a little smaller, but the existing facilities were more suitable to the joint ventures Golden Dragon Enterprises and Lava Dome Four had planned. "This Eastern division calls itself `Happy Apples.' I haven't the faintest clue what the name means," Palanth wingshrugged. "I've seen computer power supplies from `Lucky Nice,' and video cards from `It's Elephant,' Palanth. I wouldn't give the name much thought," Dino chuckled. "In any case, Happy Apples is purchasing many of the local businesses. The few manufacturing industries in Faibanx are now under new Oriental management." "You know, when I went to the Co-Op Diner the other day, they were under new management...Asians. And Pizza-4-Less...same thing," Helvetica noted. "Do we pay him to research restaurants?" Dino asked, but was elbowed in the rib by a dracosaur. "Well, the bottom line is: what does it mean?" Ramses asked. "Maybe Tanya Clegg has a hankerin' for chinky food," Dino said. He got looks from the others that told him he wasn't helping much, and should run along like a good weesaur and clean some claws. Instead, he thought he would skip the espionage part of the story, and just walk into the Happy Apples office downtown. - - - - - - - - - "May I help you...er...sir?" the kind Asian receptionist asked, who had been filing her nails. "Yeah...I wanna see some Happy Apples," Dino said, looking around at the sparseness of the office. The receptionist exhaled a bit, and did something under the desk. In the blink of an eye later, a rather burly draconian...looking to be of the same build as the dragon-stock Brandon and Tanya Clegg were patterned after...walked out from an office down the hall. He had no objection to walking right up to Dino, standing toe to toe. Dino tried his best to ignore him, but having a big wide chest fill your field of vision... "Can I help you, little one?" the draconian rumbled. "Oh, no need to turn me on, schlick! Just take me to the boss," Dino smirked. Weesaurs have a natural wise-ass gene, if you haven't noticed. The draconian was completely unfazed. Unable to determine whether he had irritated the burlysaur or whether it was following his command blindly, Dino soon found himself grabbed by the arm and led towards the back offices. "I guess I should've known. I mean, after all, those Japanese are the best at making robots and circuits and stuff," Dino said as he was led into another sparse office, in which Tanya Clegg sat. "Are you the Happy Apple?" he asked. "You must have completely lost your mind, Dino," Tanya said smoothly. "Perhaps I stepped on you a little too hard last time you snuck in...or perhaps not hard enough." "I'm afraid that would be impossible, Mrs. Roboto. Now, just tell me...I hate the espionage shit. What's with all the Sum Yung Gai's? Why is half of Faibanx suddenly Chinatown?" Dino asked, shaking off the grip of the bulky dracosaur that had led him in. "Subtlety is certainly not a primary trait of wee-brained weesaurs. But, since I'm quite certain you won't be leaving the premises this time around, Mister Sorceror, let me fill you in. I take it by your references that you think I'm still Brandon Clegg's loving wife? A dracosaur who doesn't know her true nature?" "Well, I was looking forward to bursting your plastic bubble again, yes," Dino admitted. "I'm fully aware of my superior, robotic nature, Dinosorceror. Soon, the entire world will be..." Tanya's soliloquy was interrupted by Dino. "No, no...let me guess. A Japanese interest has purchased AEI." "Perhaps there _is_ a properly firing axon in that mostly hollow crest of yours. Yes, AEI is now owned by Eastern interests. Soon, even you will be part of AEI." Dino put a clawhand over his eyes. "Oh, no. Don't tell me you're trying the Oh, Let's Turn Everyone In Town Into Robots ploy. I didn't see The Stepford Wives, but I've really never had any desire to." Tanya stood up, sauntering over to stand before Dino, looking down at him slightly. He liked that. "Mr. Dinosorceror, there's something I've been dying to ask you for some time." "Yes, toots?" "Have you ever danced with King Nhidorah in the pale moonlight?" "Well...no." Tanya smirked. "You will. And the company that will bring it to you? A E I." - - - - - - - - - The disappearance of Dino from LD4 headquarters was certainly not a cause for concern, as he was sure to show up between someone's toes sooner or later. The appearance of a very large three-headed dragon-ish monster, however, was cause for concern. Jenn was watching the evening news with Foofers when they saw the large scaly beast. "The VCR didn't just start playing one of Dino's stomp tapes, did it?" she asked. Helvetica toyed with the remote. "I don't think so." Jenn sighed. "Well, I guess this means I have to get up." - - - - - - - - - Dino found himself bound, but unfortunately for Tanya, not gagged as they stood atop AEI's midtown Happy Apple headquarters. "Don't I get popcorn?" he asked as the giant three-headed behemoth crushed the forest on the outskirts of town underfoot as it approached. "You're going to feel like popcorn soon enough, weesaur. This won't be a gentle stomp, and I'm afraid the resilience of your LensRing won't help you. My mechanical beauty out there will crush you into a filmy paste, along with the rest of this town," she sneered. Dino blinked a few times. "That's a robot out there?" "Of course, silly! You know how much it would cost to make a biological creature that size? Entirely un-cost-effective. AEI is now in the business of manufacturing robots and computers only. Robots and computers to overrun this miserable planet." "Well, might I ask why you're destroying Faibanx? Well...at least, this time?" Dino grumbled, struggling against his bonds. Tanya strode to the edge of the roof. "Do you have any idea what an insignificant little burg this is, Mr. Sorceror? It took me all of two days to completely buy out every business, foreclose on every household. There's nothing left here but LD4 and AEI." She turned, and started walking back towards him. "But I do know that you love this town. That's why I'm destroying both you and it in one fell swoop. My...er, `husband'...taught me well. I learned from his mistakes." She pressed a button on her belt, and an AEI hovership rose above the roofline. "I'm not leaving. I'm going to hover right overhead, and watch as you and this town cease to be." Dino mouthed some silent bitchy words at her as she hopped onboard the craft. "Can I ask you a favor?" Dino shouted above the roar of the hovercraft. "What's that?" "Can you get this on video, so that future generations of macrophiles can..." he started, but Tanya saw where that was going after the first six words, so the craft sped upwards. Dino stared upwards for a minute, then watched as the mecha King Nhidorah flattened his first building under a giant claw. "Hey, how's it going, King?" he shouted, trying to maintain his rapier wit, even in the face of adversity. "Or can I call you Nhi? Hi, Nhi! Hiney! Hiney!" - - - - - - - - - "How long will it take Palanth to get here? My Lens is having no effect on that monster!" Jenn shouted from a few blocks away from Nhidorah. Helvetica and Dr. Ramses were standing a short distance away. "I told you!" Ramses shouted. "Palanth was testing his Dragnum condom line over the Pacific. It will take him at least five more minutes to fly here!" "And where the hell is Dino during all..." Jenn began, and they all instinctively looked at the nearer of Nhidorah's claws. After a minute of peering, Helvetica flipped out an electronic tracking device. "I guess Dino is lucky you had me make this, Jenn," he muttered, pressing buttons. "Well, I was sick of getting surprised by him all the time," she sighed. "I want to know where that little pecker is at all times from now on." Foofers hrmed. "Well, I'm afraid that he's nowhere near us right now. Unfortunately, he's on top of AEI's headquarters, and that seems to be right where our big guy's heading." - - - - - - - - - Dino could do little but watch as King Nhidorah approached his position, all three heads focused on him, thundering footfall by thundering footfall. Even though Tanya told him his LensRing would be useless against him, he was still struggling to get his hand around to a point where he could escape. Just as he thought he might wriggle free, he saw a large shadow pass over the building. Looking up, he saw the huge, graceful, flying form of Palanth. "Hey, way to go, big guy!" Dino shouted up, but Palanth seemed quite oblivious of his presence. Palanth growled in quiet rage as he landed between the AEI HQ and King Nhidorah.  "My product testing was just getting into a very important and exciting part.  Do you know just how angry I am at having to break it off?" Apparently, the King didn't take kindly to having his rampage interrupted. All three of Nhidorah's heads blasted energy rays at Palanth's head and chest...but apart from wincing and feeling a little tingle, Palanth was completely unaffected. However, Palanth was also completely pissed off. It took exactly one swipe of a foreclaw to split open King Nhidorah's chest, spilling out fluids, smoke and sparks. Thereafter, it took three seconds for Nhidorah to explode, scattering debris for a square mile. "I do so hate to be treated rudely," Palanth humphed as he dusted himself off. Dr. Ramses drove Jenn and Foofers to the sidestreet next to Palanth a moment later. "Pretty nice job, Palanth...pretty clean, too," Helvetica shouted. Apart from the trackway the robotic Nhidorah had made up to AEI, collateral damage had been kept to a minimum, allowing the former residents to move back into town eventually, once they figured out how to get AEI to relinquish the ownership of the town. "How are we going to accomplish that?" Dr. Ramses asked Jenn. "Well, the deeds to all the properties should be inside AEI's headquarters," she responded. "Say no more," Palanth thundered, and promptly flattened the building next to him under a clawfoot. Observing it all from high overhead, Tanya Clegg couldn't help but snicker.